Tales From a Barfly – 27th July, 2014.

Tales from a Barfly

The following tales were originally written (in whole, or part) in my “Mobi’s Bar thread “in the Thai Visa Expat forum (Pattaya section).

They have been since revised, edited, and in some instances extended or shortened before publication in my blog.


 “Crazy Saturday”.

Last Saturday (19th July) we had a few customers trickling in during the afternoon, but nothing to get too excited about. Amongst this number was a very friendly German gentleman who insisted in telling everyone that he was ‘ting tong’ (crazy).

I arrived at the bar at around 5.30 and this gentleman insisted on shaking my hand. His English wasn’t great, and what with his advanced state of inebriation, it was quite difficult to figure out what he was saying. Anyway, I congratulated him on his nation’s World Cup victory, and his eyes immediately lit up and he ordered another round of drinks.

By the looks of him I wouldn’t mind betting he hasn’t been sober since Germany won the final.

Anyway, he was pretty harmless and genial and as afternoon turned to evening he became our sole customer.

The bar remained quiet until around 9. pm when a few customers came and went, including a ‘newbie’ who told me he had recently retired as a police dog handler for the Ministry of Defence back in Blighty.

We enjoyed an interesting conversation while in the meantime, a few more customers drifted in.

It then became apparent that the German gentleman was so pissed out of his mind that he could barely stand, let alone ride his motorbike back home. He kept assuring us he was ‘OK’ and also that he was ‘Ting Tong’, (crazy!!)

Noo decided that the best thing to do was to drive him home in our car and have her aunt follow along behind with his motorbike.

Seemed like a good plan except….. as soon as they left, more customers arrived and we had no staff to work the cash till. (These duties are shared between Noo and her aunt).

Anyway, we were able to serve the drinks (without bills) and waited for the two-some to return.

Sure enough, 15 minutes later they returned, but to my shock and horror- so did the drunken German!

He couldn’t remember where he lived…

Somehow, one of the girls managed to extricate his mobile phone from his pocket and we looked at his list of phone contacts. One was entitled ‘Tilak’ (sweetheart), and it seemed a pretty good bet, so we called the number.

To our relief it wasn’t just a girl he had met in a bar but was indeed his wife,she was indeed his ‘Tilak’ and she told us where he lived. I must say I was a bit disappointed that ‘Tilak’ didn’t volunteer to come to Mobi’s and take him home.

Maybe this had happened too many times and she was beyond caring.

Unfortunately, by this time, he refused to go home again and insisted on ordering another beer.

‘I’m OK… I can walk home…. I’m Ting Tong…’ he kept mumbling at us, in between much shaking of hands.

An hour later, we decided we had to take him home before he passed out and became even more of a liability, but I told Noo that this time, we couldn’t have both cashiers escort him as we now had a crowd of customers – and all the girls were ‘otherwise engaged’.

Believe it or not the problem was solved when my new customer – the ex-dog handler cop – volunteered to ride the bike with Noo taking Mr Ting Tong in her car.

The ‘getting him home’ operation went off without further hitch, except that the German failed to pay his final beer bill, but never mind, we’ll keep it for his next visit – if he doesn’t expire first…..

We now have an unpaid Bill with the heading ‘German Ting-Tong’ written on it.

Time marched on and our few customers started to depart. By 11.45, there were only four left and we started to wind the night down with some slow, romantic songs.

I turned my attention to my laptop for a few moments, and behind me someone said ‘Sawadee Krap’.

‘Sawadee’ Krap’ I replied, without tuning round, as I assumed it was the last my customers leaving…

Imagine my shock when I finally turned round to discover that about a dozen well-sozzled men had suddenly taken over the bar!!!

The leader of the group – the manager from Rendezvous – came over and shook my hand and told me they had all come to pay us a visit as they had got bored drinking at the Rendezvous!!!

We had little choice but to crank up the music again, and take a chance with the cops.

It paid off, as the crowd continued to drink their heart away until nigh on 2 am, and many joined in singing the songs we were playing.

We had no problems with their bills and they all eventually made their farewells with the minimum of fuss, for which I was very grateful.

I think they really enjoyed their couple of hours at Mobi’s and maybe some of them had seen enough to come back under their own steam…

Let’s hope so.

But what a night!


A few follow-ups to ‘Crazy Saturday’

Mr Ting Tong returned again the next day but on this occasion he succeeded in driving home under his own steam

He then disappeared until Thursday when he arrived in the early afternoon and once again he proceeded get drunk out of his gourd.

I was late at the bar that evening, and as I arrived, Noo and three of Mobi’s girls were just arriving back in Mobi’s pickup, having yet again delivered the paralytic German Gentleman (Mr Ting Tong) – and his motorcycle – to his home near the lake.

I do welcome his business, but I also worry about him.

There but for the grace of God….


Darkside’s  Destroyer strikes again!

Well I suppose it had to happen sooner or later… a new episode in the sorry saga of Singha John, that scourge of Mobi’s who still drinks next door and still nurses all manner of alcohol-induced grudges.

I have to say he has been behaving himself for quite a while now. Over the weeks, I have been  slyly observing him as he watched our customers comings and goings, sitting forlornly alone – often the sole occupant of the bar next door.

I watched him seething inside as we made preparations for our party night, no doubt hoping against hope that no one would come and then reading the next day that we were ‘packed to the gunnels’.

 But as long as he behaved himself, I have  kept him out of my blogs – after all, he is more to be pitied than pilloried.

But all that changed last Monday at 6 p.m.

Earlier that afternoon Noo had put our new ‘white board” sign which advertised our food on the edge of the road,near one corner of our bar and then placed our blackboard, which advises our Happy Hour details, in the other corner. I should add that the black board was well within Mobi’s parking space area, and effectively created a sort of barrier between Mobi’s bar and the one next to us.

Guess who parked his ancient CRV in front of  the next bar, adjacent to our blackboard sign?

None other than our dear friend Singha John….

Dusk was approaching, and after drinking since before dawn, it was time for dear old Singha John to climb into his rusty steed and seek his way home with his bleary, cataract-ridden eyes.

There was all the room in the world for him to reverse his car out and onto the road for his journey home, but I guess the resentment that been had building up for the last few weeks finally exploded, and Mobi’s blackboard sign near to his car must have been like a black rag to a bull.

He manoeuvred his car onto the road, then he drove up to the sign, opened  his window and gave it a mighty heave, sending it crashing to the ground. Then he gave the two finger sign at all the girls sitting in the bar along with a mouthful of obscenities.


Mobi’s empire strikes back!

Mobi 1 Kenobi’s  dark damsels were having none of that and were so incensed that one of their number, a certain ‘Princess Ja’ picked up a glass of water and threw it at the departing vehicle.

Then the fun started.

That evening, the ‘Dark Destroyer’ of blackboards phoned me about 50 times and didn’t stop until well into the small hours.

I sent him a message telling him that if he had any problems then he must take it up with the owner of the bar – namely Noo, not me – and that everyone was a witness to his drunken, disgusting behaviour.

He still refused to stop calling me, so I sent him another message:

“Actions have consequences. Dwell on this when you sober up.”

He still kept calling, but I had no intention of listening to a drunken oaf shout obscenities down the phone at me.

His ancient CRV is so full of scratches and dents that I doubt whether you could even see the damage the glass made, if there was any at all….

Even if there was some extra scratches , he fully deserved it and I’d like to see him try and get recompense from a coterie of angry bar ladies…..


Follow up

After non-stop efforts to call me on Monday night, none of which I answered, he finally left a drunken voice mail threatening to damage the cars belonging to both Noo and me.

I sent him one in return suggesting that we meet and all go to the police station together to resolve this dispute.

The following morning, (after he had sobered up), he sent me an sms rejecting my suggestion and once again he threatened to damage our cars.

We decided to report all this to the police, so that if he tries to do anything more to our bar or our cars they will take action.

Unfortunately, the bar next door needs his custom and I doubt that anything he does, short of starting a riot there – will get him banned. I have already heard him have a few loud ‘verbals’ with the staff there but they haven’t taken any action.

Few bars around the lake will ever ban anyone as they are all desperate for business.

After we had made our report I sent him another sms:

“We have reported you to police. This is not the first time. If you touch any of our property, the police will arrest you and you will go to jail. Everyone saw what you did yesterday. We have many witnesses.”

He replied by voice mail. He was very angry and demanded we pay for his damage and accused my ‘f..cking maid’ (Noo) of damaging his car twice. In a previous voice mail he admitted he wasn’t sure who threw the ‘stone’ (it was a glass) at his car….

He tried to claim that his car was parked on public land  as was our sign, and he had a perfect right to push it over….. etc and so forth.

I wrote:

“Your further threats have been noted and are being passed on to the police”

He sent me an sms:

“You think I am going to let this go a second time that your f..cking maid has caused damage to my car. …..If your f..cking maid agrees to pay for the damage that she caused yesterday and on the previous occasion…..all that I did yesterday was to push a sign out of the way to enable my car to exit….If you did go to the police which I seriously doubt….I think you are pissed off because the bar is not doing as well as you expected….”

I replied:

“If you don’t believe me you can go ask the police. You will get no money from anyone. And if you try to do anything you will be in a lot of trouble.

My wife’s business is doing very well thank you. What do you know? You’re too drunk and blind to go anywhere after dark.

BTW, the police just love the way you talk down to Thais by repeatedly calling my wife a ‘f..cking maid’. Everything you have said on my voice mail and in your sms was recorded/transcribed and is with the police.

Also BTW, my wife did nothing yesterday. She had an injured leg and couldn’t even walk! You can lie till the cows come home. It doesn’t change what you did. It is totally irrelevant who the land belongs to. You had plenty of room to drive away but you deliberately threw down our sign when it was NOT obstructing your exit. Everyone saw you and heard you. You cannot win this.”

I think I may have shut him up as he has gone all quiet, now he knows that everything he says or writes will be copied and passed onto the police.

I wasn’t bluffing, we have reported everything to the cops and I even have recordings of all his voice mails. Transcripts of his threatening sms have been handed over.

He did not go to the next door bar that day, or the following day, or the day after that, or the day after that. It wouldn’t surprise me if he hasn’t found a new place to drink, but who knows? We shall see.

Fingers crossed.

We really didn’t seek this fight. He started it all with his loud and abusive behaviour towards me at no provocation from my side before the bar was even open. He was immediately banned and he has born a grudge ever since.

Ah well, at least life is never dull….

Bring em’ on, the forces of right will prevail and the combined powers of Mobi 1 kenobi’s Dark damsels will surely triumph in the end….


One thought on “Tales From a Barfly – 27th July, 2014.”

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