Tales From a Barfly – 19th October 2014

Tales From a Barfly

My last week as a bar owner was quite a week.

A strange Scottish Gent

It all started last Saturday when around 11 p.m. a motorcycle taxi dropped off a farang outside our bar and the man stormed in, demanding immediate attention from the ladies.

He clearly couldn’t make the ladies understand what he was asking for, even when he shouted louder and louder in a broad Scottish accent.

I happened to be standing nearby chatting to one of our customers and he turned to us in exasperation.

‘Can you help me?’ he butted in, ‘I asked the motorcycle taxi to take me somewhere where I can find a girl for a ‘short time’. She must be under 21, and not had any babies. The bastard’s dropped me here in the middle of nowhere and driven off!’

My customer and I looked at each other.

Is he serious?

He repeated his demand while getting angrier by the minute. He made no attempt to sit down and order a drink. He just kept on with this strange request, demanding that we tell him where he can find a very young lady, (without a baby and absolutely NO stretch marks), who would go and sleep with him.

I was  thinking of bringing Lek’s auntie out – aged about 45, who has 3 kids, and telling him this is the nearest we can come to your specifications, but I thought better of it.

I politely told him that we didn’t have any ladies might fit his particular bill suggested he try the next bar along.

He stormed out of Mobi’s and marched into the next bar and made his ridiculous demands once again. Whether or not the ladies understood him was not clear, but he didn’t stay long and soon stormed out and went to the third bar along.

I thought there may have been an outside chance that the third bar might have had something approaching his requirements, but no, once again he was there for less than a minute before leaving, yet again, striding out into the night, away from the three bars

The last I saw of him was walking into a restaurant at the far end of our little strip by the lake.

Whether or not the restaurant, (who have very few customers), offered him one of their young waitresses can only be a matter for speculation.

He disappeared from view, never to appear again…

What a dick-head!


Fare thee well Mr. Ting Tong

I have written frequently of a certain German who has long since self-christened himself, ‘Ting Tong.’ (It’s a Thai slang word meaning ‘crazy’).

Last Wednesday, the same night I was doing the deal for the sale of the bar, he was there in full Ting Tong mode

He had been there all day and was well oiled and he kept trying to talk to me when I was busy with the sale meeting.

He finally caught my attention when he told me this was his last night in Thailand as he was leaving to go back to Germany, early the next morning.

‘How long will you be back in Germany?’ I asked him.

‘About six months, I am going to get my pension.’

‘Pension? How old are you, Mr Ting Tong?’

‘I am 46.’

‘How on earth can you get a pension at 46?’

‘It’s very hard…take many months… I have a problem with my neck…’

I didn’t tell him that he might have a better chance at getting a pension if he told the Germans he had a problem with his head… but what do I know about German pensions?

He went on to tell me how much he liked me and everyone in our bar and that he would miss us all very much. He must have shaken my hand at least ten times.

He could hardly stand but still managed to stagger over to another table that was occupied by 5 uniformed Thai cops. He insisted on shaking all their hands, while one of the girls called out to him in Thai to be careful when he drove home as he was very drunk.

‘He looked over at the girl, and then at the cops and shouted, ‘Mai bpen Lai – cap die!’ (‘Don’t worry, I can still drive’)

He looked at the cops. The cops looked at him and everyone started laughing – it was so preposterous – a farang who could hardly stand telling the cops he was in a fit state to drive.

Ting Tong stayed at the cops’ table and insisted on talking to them all in his fractured Thai, and to their credit, they humoured him and didn’t seem to take exception to his drunken antics.

Eventually the cops must have got fed up with it all, as they were the first to leave, allowing Mr Ting Tong free range to weave his drunken way home for the final time from Mobi’s bar.

Fare thee well Mr Ting Tong – I doubt I will ever see your like again…


A Darkside Gang

Meanwhile, back at Mobi’s, we had been visited for the second night in a row by a gang of Thai’s who were playing pool on the table at the back of our bar.

I hadn’t thought much about them coming on the previous night as we do occasionally get some Thais in to play pool, but it was starting to look like this gang were going to make a habit of it.

This time, there were more members than on the previous night and they were getting quite drunk and rowdy.

Although we don’t mind serving the occasional Thai customers, we are not really set up to cater for Thai gangs.

We asked Auntie to call her friendly Thai cop, who we have on a modest retainer, and before long a couple of plain-clothed cops came to the bar to keep an eye on the gang. They also took photos of all the bike registration numbers.

After a couple of hours, the gang made ready to go, and told the cashier that they would pay their bill ‘tomorrow.’

In the nick of time, 5 uniformed cops – the very ones who were later to be entertained by Mr Ting Tong – had just arrived to back up the two plain clothed guys. The gang took one look at all the cops in the bar and paid up without a murmur and left.

Phew… I doubt they will be back…but if they do, it will be none of my business.


The lady who screeches

Some of my regular readers may recall my several tales concerning the screeching, drunken lady in the next door bar.  She has been arrested on several occasions, after causing mayhem at her bar and also at Mobi’s bar.

On one occasion she tried to trash a table in our bar before trashing her own bar to the tune of 20,000 Baht’s worth of damage, and when she then tried to trash the motorcycles parked outside, she had to be held down by five women and a man who kept beating her on the head with a lump of wood.

On another occasion she decided to attack a BMW owned by a man drinking in my bar. She picked the wrong guy as the BMW owner had special royal police protection – he was none other than the grandson of HM’s Swiss Tutor.

Not only was she arrested, but the cops shut down the bar and made all the staff and owner go to the cop shop to face charges.

There have been numerous incidents since and the last ‘biggy’ I can recall was when she was so stoned that she ran naked out of the bar and leaped into the lake. She had to be dragged out, hauled into the back room of her bar and tied down until she slept off the effects of whatever it was she had taken.

Remarkably, on each of these occasions, no matter how badly she had behaved and how much damage and mayhem she had caused, she was back at work the next day.

After the ‘lady in the lake’ incident, I have to admit that she pretty much behaved herself over the past month or so, only uttering the occasional shrieks when slightly pissed.

So it was with much surprise that the new owner told me that on his very first night in business, he had experienced the ‘mad shrieker’ first hand.

Apparently she had been drunk – and almost certainly drugged- out of her mind, and had tried to make trouble in Mobi’s bar before becoming completely out of control in the bar next door, where she worked..

Eventually she even attacked the owner of the bar – her boss. She punched the petite, 40 kilo, under 5ft tall lady, in the mouth, and the police had to be called out to arrest her. As usual it took several cops to restrain her.

I was told about this the following morning – Friday –when I also learned that she was back at work!!!

What do you have to do to get fired from that bar? Shoot someone?

However, yesterday, when I went down to the bar to fix the sound system, (somebody had ripped out all the speaker wires!!), I was somewhat surprised to learn from the new bar owner, that the next door shrieker had finally been fired.

‘Do you know why they didn’t fire her before?’ he asked me.

I think so, but tell me anyway.’

‘Because she brought in so much business – she was their star performer.’

‘Yes, I thought so…’

Only in Thailand….










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