Mobi’s Bargirl checklist
A few years ago I was quite amused when I heard that Stephen Leather’s novel, “Private Dancer”, was required reading for young expat teachers taking up teaching positions at Bangkok’s international schools.
The reason? – Because it tells the sad, sordid tale of what can happen to a young testosterone-filled Englishman if he becomes embroiled in the Bangkok nightlife and falls in love with a beautiful bar girl.
It is a salutary story, for sure, with a bad end – and much of it is based on fact. The book was written in the nineteen-nineties – at a time when mobile phones were not in common use, so the story is a little dated – but for all that, it still holds true today.
Then the other day, I was browsing back through my old blogs, looking for my old movie reviews to add to my collection on the Internet Movie Data Base, (IMDb), when I came across an interesting article I had written in June 2011 on the subject of foreigners marrying Thai bar girls.
Although like Private Dancer, it is a little dated, it still hold as true today as when I wrote it, so I thought it was worth a reprint – both for entertainment value, and for a new generation of young men who have yet to learn the wiles and tricky ways of the young ladies of Patpong, Soi Nana, Soi Cowboy and Walking Street.
So to all you young men out there – take it from one who’s been there and done it – many, many times…..
Here’s a sample of the few I ‘met’ back in 2010/11
Gone, but not quite forgotten….
And here are my eternal words of wisdom, which I wrote at that time along with a random sample of those damned dames from the web who are out to trap us:
Mobi’s Bargirl checklist – June 2011
The other day, one of my friends, recently came to Pattaya for a couple of days to pick up some bags and to spend some time with me.
This guy, only a few months younger than me is still making a total fool of himself over Asian women. He has been in this part of the world for quite a few years now, and his particular penchant is for Cambodian ladies, where he spends most of his time. Like me, he has a bad habit of falling hopelessly in love with ladies, a third of his age, and like me, his affairs always end in heartbreak and a substantial depletion in his investment portfolio.
So having observed that at long last, I have actually succeeded in getting out of the cycle of love, heartbreak, and financial distress, he asked me to tell him my secret.
Now I am the last one to put myself up as an expert on this matter, but it is now over a year since I really had deep feelings about any woman and I do believe that those days of falling in love with a new bar girl the day after meeting her, are now finally behind me. I know there have been a few minor blips when started to think that I might be infatuated, but the difference was that I recognised the symptoms and took prompt action to extricate myself from such doomed relationships.
There has been much debate and millions of words written on the question of whether bar girls can ever make good, loving, faithful wives but despite all my personal disasters in this field, I know, without any doubt, that it is indeed possible.
I know this from my own personal observations. I openly concede that the chances are not good and that a vast majority of such relationships end in misery and often penury for the farang involved.
But a small percentage of such relationships do work and I know of a number of marriages that have stood the test of time and that these couples are as happy and content today as on the day that they first met.
There is one good friend of mine in Bangkok who has been married to his ‘ex bar-girl’ wife for more than 35 years. When he met her, in a Patpong bar, she was a typical whore: loud mouthed, and hustled the customers for all she was worth in her appalling bar girl English. She had already married and broken up with a Thai man and had a young son to support. Despite all this, they immediately hit it off and it wasn’t long before they first cohabited and later married.
My friend legally adopted his lady’s son and later they had a daughter. They have been faithful to each other ever since and both children are now grown up and have families of their own. The couple are still happily living together in Bangkok.
He is not the only one. I know of several others. I admit they are in the minority but let’s face it, how many marriages in the west survive the test of time these days? Obviously, a marriage, (or a long-term relationship), between a farang and a Thai bargirl is fraught with danger, and the chances are high that it will all end in heartbreak.
The odds are against such marriages being successful – for many reasons, not least of which is the t large age differences between couples and a clash of ethos and values, especially when the farang has little or no knowledge of the Thai language or culture.
Then if we add the fact that the girl is indeed a prostitute and has been having sex with multiple customers for money; the fact that she has probably come from a broken home and/or has been deserted by her Thai boyfriend, usually being left with kids to take care of; that she probably has had minimal education and has little knowledge of anything in this world other than what her equally ignorant bar girlfriends and uneducated family tell her; that her need for money for her kids and /or other family members is of paramount importance in her life; that she has been schooled in the ‘wiles’ of how to extract ‘house building funds’, ‘sick buffalo money’ and ‘costly sin sods'(dowries) from unsuspecting farangs; then it is hardly surprising that only a very few of these relationships can survive the test of time.
I could go on and on itemising yet more reasons why a farang/bar-girl marriage is doomed and I am sure many of my readers can add to the list. But despite all this, some couples will defy the odds and succeed. Not all farangs are totally inept and lacking in knowledge of Thai language and culture and not all bar girls are ‘morally ruined’, money-hungry whores who are just out to cheat as many farangs as possible and get as rich as they can.
My friend asked me what he should do to avoid becoming so emotionally involved with these young ladies in the future, and how to find a girl with whom he might stand a fighting chance of being happy with?
So here, with the benefit of much hindsight, (not to say much heartbreak), is my checklist that must be answered in the indicated fashion in order to have a happy, long-term relationship with an ex-bargirl
Mobi’s bargirl checklist for a happy life
- Have you ever caught her in committing even the slightest untruth, including so-called white lies? (No)
- Is she completely honest in all her dealings with you and is she completely open and forthcoming about her family and past life? (Yes)
- Does she come from a stable, loving family and does she love them and keep in regular contact with them, especially her mother? (Yes)
- Does she ever get angry or start an acrimonious argument with someone, for little or no reason? (No)
- Is she ever moody and does she take her moodiness out on you? (No)
- Does she try to ‘put on airs’ and talk down to other Thais? (No)
- Does she complain about or criticise people, especially friends, behind their backs, for no good reason? (No)
- Is she extremely ‘anti-farang’, look down on them and think that Thais are far superior? Is she a racist? (No)
- Is she reasonable in her financial requirements, with due regard to your income, and does she ever make unreasonable financial demands or put undue pressure on you into buying something or spending money that has not been previously discussed and agreed? (No)
- Is she a ‘Drama Queen’? Does she ever lose her temper with you or with other people, (family and friends included), instead of behaving in a sensible and civilised manner? (No)
- Is she a regular drinker and does she get periodically drunk? Does she behave badly when drunk – to you or to others? Is she a drug user? (No and No)
- Does she frequently return to her previous place of work, meeting up with all her bar girlfriends and maybe asking you to buy them all drinks? (No)
- Do you feel that she really wants to have a life with you and share her life and her interests with you and to share your life and interests with her? (Yes) Or does she regard you purely as a sugar daddy to finance her own, independent lifestyle with her friends and/or family? (No)
- Is she a control freak? Does she try to control you and everything you do? (No) Does she let you have your freedom and let you go out occasionally with your friends or to places by yourself? (Yes)
- Is she unreasonably jealous and is she always accusing you of having ‘girls on the side’, or even looking at other women? (No)
- Does she have any children? Remember that a child is a lifelong responsibility. Are you ready for this? Kids may not require much commitment or financial support from you when they are very young and live far away in Issan, but as they grow up, the burden, both moral and financial, becomes greater and greater. (Preferably No)
- Does her family ‘control her’? Is she always at the beck and call of demanding, unreasonable parents or older siblings who often regard you as a ‘cash cow’, even if she doesn’t? This can be the cause of enormous problems. (No)
- How old is she? If she is less than around 27 then there is a high risk she hasn’t yet matured properly as an adult and is still ‘sewing her wild oats’. (Thai women who have worked the bars take longer to emotionally mature.) (27 or older)
- How long has she worked as a prostitute? If longer than 2 years, then it will drastically reduce the chances that she can adapt to a non-bargirl lifestyle. (Less than 2 years)
- Is saving face more important than doing the right thing? (No)
- Does she spend an inordinate amount of time on the phone, chatting inanely to friends? (No)
- Does she play cards and gamble? (No)
- Is she forever inviting friends to your home and/or disappearing to spend many hours with friends at their home. (No)
- Is she habitually late home or in her appointments to meet you outside the home? (No)
- Is she a reasonable cook, or if not, is she willing to learn? (Yes)
- Is she lazy? Is she prepared to do her bit at home, along with you, as far as looking after the home and you, including chores like washing up and cooking – or does she just have a maid who she ‘lords over’ and throws her all the work? (No)
- Does she want to ‘better herself’ by learning things like English or computer studies; or does she have a part-time or full-time job to keep herself occupied? If not, does she want one? (Yes)
- Does she spend her days mainly lazing around, watching Thai soaps and listening to Thai generic pop music and talking to her friends on the phone? (No)
- Do both of you enjoy good, all-encompassing sex, and do you both achieve regular orgasms and know how to make each other sexually stimulated and gratified? (Yes).With all couples, the sexual part of the relationship will fade with time, but it is reckoned that in most loving relationships, the sex will continue to be enjoyed for a number of years after co-habitation. If it doesn’t work in the beginning, then the chances are that the relationship is doomed before you start.
If you wish to give yourself the best possible chance of having a long and happy relationship with a Thai Bargirl, you should be prepared to walk away from the relationship if you have more than 3 ‘bad’ answers to the above questions, but failure to have anything other than a 100% positive answer to question numbers 1 through 15 will mean that you have little or no chance of being realistically happy for anything other than a very brief period. (Note, you may well stay together for a long time, but you will NOT be happy).
You may well wonder how on earth anyone can know all the answers until you have lived together for a while and that is indeed the case. But the longer you ‘woo’ her, before taking her as your ‘live-in’, the more you will be able to answer most of the above questions, and then during the early stages of co-habitation, the remaining answers will soon become evident
If you start to register too many negatives – then say bye-bye and start again.
Take it from someone who knows….. 🙂