Those of you who have been reading my blog for many years will be aware of my ‘rags to riches’ and ‘back to rags’ life story, with my chaotic ‘highs’ and ‘lows’, my appalling choices of women with whom I shared my tortured life and my final descent into alcoholism and depression.
You will also have ‘witnessed’ my ascent from the bowels of hell, as I threw off the yoke of alcohol addiction and met the first truly good woman in my life,who was instrumental in helping me to keep my depressive tendencies in check and to stay away from the demon booze.
In the annals of this blog, my life has been an open book and I have spared my readers nothing.
In more recent times I have shared with you my nightmarish medical problems, including the risky open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve two years ago, the loss of all my savings in an investment scam last year; and this year, my attempts to eke out a living by running a bar.
Recently, I have written that my moods have become increasingly dark and in an attempt to halt the slide I have once more been taking anti-depressant medication which I last took back in 2011.
I can’t imagine how I might be feeling and behaving right now if I wasn’t on anti-depressant medication. As it is, I am still experiencing many ‘lows’ that are proving increasingly difficult to climb out of.
People who come to my bar would unaware of my real state of mind as although I might seem a little less cheerful than usual, I still act in all ways as Mine Host, and give a cheery welcome to one and all.
But deep down, inside, I am often not feeling at all cheerful, especially when we have a succession of very bad days at the bar, which has happened recently, and even more especially when my relationship with Noo starts to fray at the edges.
Last Friday night, with nobody around to talk to and following a particularly bad evening at the bar I wrote the following, at the peak of my depression.