The Wife from Hell


Mobi Babble

Noo is back from Nong Khai with her son, so we are now a happy family of three. She has found a local school, not far from where we live, that has agreed to accept him and he will start there on Monday.

This is a new development in my relationship and my life, and I now have to get used to the idea that once again I am a family man with a kid and I have to adapt to having this new responsibility. I think the change will be good for me; it is time for me to reach out a little, beyond my own selfish needs. After all, it is now over 16 months since I last had a drink and I believe that I am now ready to get a bit more involved in the world beyond the daily needs of Mobi.

Noo’s son, Dom, is a quiet, well behaved kid who clearly loves his mother dearly and for the most part he does what he is told, though like most kids these days, he has a propensity to be a bit lazy.

Eleven is a crucial age for  boys here, and the next few years will determine what sort of a person he is going to be, and whether he has any kind of intellectual bent that might eventually lead him into some form of higher education. But more than any natural scholastic aptitude, will be the question of whether he is prepared to apply himself with such skills as he possesses, as so many Thai kids seem to ‘opt out’ of education at a young age.

This is partly due to the poor standards of the teachers and the schools themselves, but is also due to the apathy of most parents in providing necessary and timely encouragement. Most parents ignore what is going on with their kids’ education until it is too late to correct years of laziness and non-application. Additionally, corruption within the school system means that many kids can appear to progress and pass their examinations with flying colours, whereas the truth of the matter is that the teachers have either been bribed or in some other way persuaded to falsify student ‘s academic achievements.  Sad but true.

Noo was away for two nights and it was ‘Sod’s Law’ that on my second night alone, just coming up to midnight, that I had a bit of a crisis. Not me personally, I hasten to add, but my beloved golden retriever, Cookie. She was lying down in the porch, just outside the open patio doors, when all of sudden she was spraying blood everywhere – all over the floor, herself and everything within spraying range. It was coming from her nose and was pouring out at alarming rate! I rushed over and did what I could to stem the flow, while at the same time tried to clean up the mess;  but as fast as I mopped up the blood, fresh blood replaced it.

It was scary stuff – I have never seen anything like it before in my life. My two little Shih Tzu’s were clearly upset with what was going on with their big brother, and I confess I wasn’t sure what to do for the best, short of rushing her to a vet. Thankfully, after five minutes or so, the flow of blood was eventually stemmed and I was able to clean up Cookie, and the floor, and try to comfort her and determine where the problem arose. But I could discern nothing.

I could only imagine that she was suffering from some form of internal bleeding, and I was very worried. She settled down in the middle of the sitting room and went to sleep against the wall, so I hoped that the worst was over and that it would be OK to wait until morning. Although I knew of a 24 hour animal hospital, I had a sneaking suspicion that no  qualified vet would be in attendance at this time of the morning and there seemed little point taking Cookie there if there was no one to examine her properly.

I went back to watching TV, intermittently snoozing, when my two little dogs started bothering the hell out of me. They wouldn’t leave me alone, which was most unusual for the time of night; one of them kept jumping up on the sofa (something he rarely does), then jumping on my lap and then back onto the floor, and the second one kept begging me to pick him up, and scrambling like crazy to get up onto the sofa, (which he was physically incapable of doing). I was half asleep, and it took a little while before the penny dropped and I finally realised that they were trying to alert me to something….Doh…

Shih tzus are well known for being eternal children who never seem to grow up, and to be hones,t I have never regarded them as possessing much intelligence. Loveable, for sure; but smart? not really. Not, that is, until Wednesday night.

They were indeed trying to tell me something – and as I turned around to have a look at Cookie, I realised what was going on.  Cookie was in a highly distressed state, as once again she was covered in blood and spraying fresh blood all over the floor and wall.

I rushed over with my anxious dogs and repeated my previous administrations. The bleeding slowly stopped, and half an hour later, after I had managed to clean up everything as much as possible, I decided that we all had better adjourn to bed.  Noo and Dom were scheduled to arrive by bus at the crack of dawn and it was now 2 a.m. I hoped that Cookie would  be OK until morning and I could take her to the vet after I had collected NOO and Dom.

Unfortunately, just as I was nodding off, the bleeding started all over and I decided that I had better take the poor thing to the vet after all. I got dressed and made preparations for my journey, but in the meantime the bleeding had stopped yet again. So I lay down on the bed, and decided to hang on for a few minutes to make sure that the bleeding wasn’t about to start again, before I summoned up the effort to try and lift 38 kilo Cookie into my pickup truck.

I fell asleep, fully clothed, as did my three dogs – also fully clothed! The next thing I remember was the sound of my phone ringing. It was 6.30 and Noo had called to tell me that they were about 20 kilometres from Pattaya. I jumped up and my heart missed a beat. Cookie was lying on her back, next to the bed with her 4 paws in the air, looking for all he world as though she had croaked. I peered closer, fearful of what I might find, when to my utter relief, I saw her stomach moving in and out – she was still breathing, bless her. And no signs of any further bleeding.

I rushed out to pick up my family and later that morning, Noo helped me lift up the still sick, and the sporadically bleeding Cookie into the truck and off we went to have her examined. To our immense relief, it turned out to be nothing too terrible.

The vet was very diligent and had checked her out thoroughly before pronouncing the cause and cure. The bleeding had actually originated from one of her nostrils, which contained an abscess that had burst. Two days on, she seems to be fine, and very, very happy – as she has never had so much fuss and attention in her entire life. We were so scared of losing her, that she has simply been smothered with affection since we returned home from the vet.

A Lustful Gent

Just a quick note to advise you that  I seem to have been successful in allocating more time to my novel. This week, I have already written one new chapter and a second is in a  quite an advanced stage. The new chapter will be published next week, (mid-week), together with a few well-chosen pics, just to ensure that my faithful readers do not suffer too much from Mobi-blog withdrawal symptoms…

The Wife from Hell

Those of you who have read ‘Mobi’s Story’, will know very well about the trials and tribulations I have endured over the years from my various wives, and in particular, will have read all about the endless traumas and  problems that I experienced with my  now estranged wife, Dang. Yet in spite of everything that has happened between us, I still do not hate her and do not believe that deep down she is evil or has ever wished me any harm.

I also believe that it never entered her mind to ever leave me and that she truly planned to stay with me until I got old and take care of me in my dotage. To this day we enjoy a cordial relationship and I believe she still sincerely cares about what happens to me.

After I left her, I went completely off the rails, and during the worst of my drunken exploits and disasters, it was always Dang who came to my rescue, took care of me and bailed me out as necessary. She didn’t have to do that, and she never asked for anything in return.

The problem with Dang is that she is – and always was – very weak-willed when it comes to having a good time. She was simply never cut out to be to the dutiful, ‘stay at home’, home-maker; and whenever temptation came along – as it did very frequently – she would be off and away on the town, regardless of the consequences or the hurt she may be inflicting on her loved ones. She just couldn’t help herself. On top of this she is a pretty bad ‘binge alcoholic’. Once she starts drinking, she is a changed person and woe betide anyone who crosses her or in any way tries to go against her when she is drunk, be it her husband, her family or even her closest friends.

So contrast Dang to the wife of Simon, a friend of mine.

I have known Simon ever since I have been living in Pattaya – he is one of my old ‘drinking gang’, an oilfield worker, who spends his days off in Pattaya and owns a house out by the lake, a few miles from my own home. His is middle-aged, divorced from his first, English wife, and has had a Thai lady by the name of Porn living with him, ever since I have known him.

To say that Simon has been generous to this lady would be an understatement. He has bought her a new house in Pattaya costing several million Baht for her to rent out, a 2.5 million baht car, countless acres of land for her, in both Pattaya and up country, such an enormous amount of gold that you would think she would collapse from the weight of it all. All this on top of an extremely generous monthly allowance which almost certainly exceeds 50,000 Baht a month, every imaginable ‘living expenses’ and school fees for her various kids, and quite frankly, God alone know what else. I only know of the stuff that he has mentioned in passing.

Porn has discovered a wonderful way to extract ever more money from her gullible farang husband. She soon realised that whenever she threw a tizzy and gave him a particularly hard time, whenever they made up, he would put his hand in his pocket and give her an extremely generous ‘make up’ present. So through the years, poor Simon has had anything but a peaceful life. Even when he is out working on the rigs, Porn phones him or Skypes him and starts a row over something trivial. But these are just preliminary skirmishes; as soon as he arrives back in Pattaya, the tantrums start earnest.

Like Dang, Porn likes her booze, and as soon as she starts drinking, things turn nasty very quickly. She has already had about 4 serious accidents in her car, costing a small fortune in car repair bills, and she thinks nothing of trashing the house or anything else that happens to be near her when she gets angry with the hapless Simon.

Year after year, she has been behaving like this, and year after year, Simon has put up with it and on each and every occasion, he has finally made the peace by ‘putting his hand into his deep pocket’.

I know all this to be more or less true as I have heard the gory details both directly from the ‘horse’s mouth’ and through  my drinking friends. Every time a really major row erupts, Simon’s Modus Operandi is to leave the family home and go and get drunk with his mates, giving them chapter and verse of the latest bust up, and stay holed up for several days in some cheap hotel. Eventually, the wily Porn will call him, sweet talk him and he will go running back home, shamefully admitting it was all his fault, and as already stated, smoothing the furrowed wifey brow with the sounds of newly minted wads of crisp bank notes.

If you had met Simon and Porn you would have absolutely no doubt that his version of events is true. Simon likes his booze, but not only does he carry it extremely well, he is one of those men who simply gets friendlier and more laid back and jovial when really drunk. In fact, I don’t think I have ever known Simon to raise his voice or get angry and he always maintains control. He is simply an easy going, extraordinarily generous, and – I’m sorry to say – a very gullible person.

By contrast, his wife is a real piece of work. She is not young, she is not – by any stretch of the imagination – attractive, and she is one of the most foul-mouthed Thai women I have ever met in my life. She is so rude and lacking in normal Thai graces, that even the girls in the bars hate her with a purple passion because she speaks so badly to them. Yet where did Simon first meet Porn? Why! In a bar of course – and not a very nice bar at that; one of those distinctly downmarket beer bars in Naklua.

But there is more to Porn than just a foul mouth and a propensity to extract as much money as she can from a man who she takes pleasure in fighting and making his life a misery. Oh no, when Simon is away, she has a string of young Thai men who she takes into her house and pays them to sleep with her – money  provided by the generous Simon.

How do we know this? Because she actually boasts about it to the wives of other farangs who drink around the lake – including my own estranged wife Dang! Not only does she boast about all her Thai boyfriends, but she also speaks about Simon in the most derogatory terms imaginable, and calls him a pig and a stinking, stupid ‘buffalo’. She delights in telling her so-called friends of her latest exploits with him and how she was successful in gouging yet another wad of money out of him.

You may wonder why I or some of his other friends haven’t tried to wise up Simon as to what is going on. The simple answer is that we have – many times. Being the affable Simon, he has always listened to us and never tried to contradict what we have told him, but nothing has ever changed. The next time we would see him, he would tell us that he had confronted Porn with our accusations and that she denied it all and he believed her. After a while you give up trying to tell him because you know that he is so besotted that he will never truly listen.

Yet there were times  – in the wee small hours – after Porn had pulled a particularly nasty stunt – that he would call me, almost in tears, and give me chapter and verse on what she had just done to him. He would ask me what was wrong with her and what he should do? I would tell him as best as I was able, without hurting him too much; of what I really thought of Porn and how she was taking him for a ride. I would tell him what I would do if I was him and relate my own experiences to reinforce my points. He would thank me kindly, assure me that this time he would definitely leave her and follow my advice. But of course within 24 hours he would be back in the marital fold.

The last time I spoke at length to Simon about his problems was about 2 years ago when he informed me and another good friend that he was planning to legally marry Porn . My friend and I sat down and gave him a very long talking to, listing all the compelling reasons why it might not be a good idea to marry her.

Live with her – by all means – if that’s what you really want , but please, please, please don’t marry her.

‘You’re both right,’ he had said, ‘I will cancel the wedding.’

A month later he was married, and neither my friend nor I was invited to the wedding. I suspect he had told Porn that we had advised him not to get married – hence the absence of an invitation. Not that either of us would have gone – we were pretty disgusted with the whole sorry business and wanted no further part in it.

No part, that is, until 2 days ago. A friend had told me that once again Simon had left home and was ‘sleeping rough’ and that this time he was telling everyone he had left Porn for good. I ran into him at a Lakeside bar, and he told me all about the latest row, which, as usual, was all about money. Porn wanted Simon to invest in  no less than 13 condominiums at a condo development in Chon Buri town.

He hadn’t refused, but had told her that he didn’t have sufficient free capital right now to make such an investment, so she would have to wait a few months. She told him to sell some of his other investments -like a couple apartments that he owned in the UK – to free up the money for her.

When he declined, Porn went ballistic, and promptly smashed up a brand new, 150,000 Baht, state of the art, Sony television. Simon had walked out with the clothes on his back, and had to climb the wall because Porn had locked the gate in attempt to prevent him from leaving. I mean – you couldn’t make this stuff up, and trust me, Simon definitely couldn’t.

He told me his plans, the main feature of them was was to sell the company that owned his house to a lawyer who would then, as the new owner of the house, kick Porn out, before selling the company back to Simon. The lawyer’s fee for this would be 100,000 Baht. I advised him that there were two major problems with his plans – the first was how could he trust the lawyer? I don’t believe that there is a lawyer in Pattaya who you can truly trust and who won’t seek ways to screw you, given half a chance. The second issue concerned Simon’s plans to go back home the next day in a taxi to collect some clothes and some important papers.’

‘What about your wife?

‘Oh, she told me she would go out.’

‘So she knows you are going there?’


‘Really? Did you tell her what time you are going?’

‘Yes, 2 pm.’

‘So this wife, who you are now estranged from, and by common consensus is not exactly very nice lady – or, not to put too fine a point on it, a volatile, violent , money-grabbing ‘nutter’ – is going to conveniently leave the house empty so that you can go there all alone and pick up a few personal things?’

‘Good point. Well in that case I’ll go in a taxi, and see if her car is there. If it is, then I won’t go in.’

‘Simon, if Porn is planning anything at all, she would hardly be so stupid as to leave her car there, now would she?’

‘No, I suppose not.’

‘I suggest you take at least 3 friends with you. If she is planning any kind of reception for you, she will be much less inclined to start anything if you go mob handed.’

‘Good point’

And what about the title deeds for the house? Where are they?

‘Good question. They used to be in a drawer in my desk, but the other day I noticed that they were not there anymore.’

‘So where have they gone?’

‘I don’t know – Porn must have moved them.’

‘Simon, you are going to have a major problem transferring or selling your house if you don’t have the original title deeds. Land title deeds in Thailand are almost impossible to replace.’

‘Oh, are they?’


To be continued…….

BUTT…BUTT…BUTT…I don’t give a Hoot!…

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