A Bit of Darkside Mobi-Babble; Miami’s ‘Mad Max’ Mega Jails; 29 Questions Before Marrying a Whore

5 Months, 27 Days, still sober

Mobi-babble

Saturday was spent at home as was most of yesterday, although I did pop out for a couple of hours last night to meet up with Rick, ostensibly to watch the Formula One race in Church. Rick watched the most boring race in the history of boring Grand Prix’s, (by his own admission), while I played with the head female chorister and her new novice.

Of course, yesterday, booze was banned throughout the realm due to early election voting, but I could have sworn I saw the occasional bottle of beer being surreptitiously served to my fellow monger. Naughty! Naughty! Confessions all round are in order.

Rick had brought his own ‘Coal to Newcastle’ , or rather his own nympho to the Nymphs and Shepherds gathering, so I breathed a sigh of relief when he finally decided to go and do a bit of whoring at home and leave me in the privacy of confessional chapel with my two little shepherds.

‘Nymphs and Shephards cum away… cum away… cum away…..

Miami’s Mega Jails

A few days ago I watched an amazing and fascinating documentary, made by the quirky British documentary maker, Louis Theroux. The Miami jail system is one of the biggest in America, with around 7,000 inmates – a so-called “mega-jail”. Most of the inmates there are on remand, awaiting bail or being held until their trial dates – many for fairly minor offences.

I have to confess to being pretty shocked by what I saw, not least because all these thousands of inmates were technically still innocent; yet they were forced into a jail system which had more in common with a brutal ‘survival of the fittest’ scenario, as portrayed in such movies as ‘Mad Max’, rather than a jail system in a country that wears its so-called human rights’ record on its sleeve. This is good old US of A,  where its leaders are forever preaching to the rest of the world on how to behave in a civilised manner and how to treat its citizens in a humane and fair manner.

We have all seen those movies depicting crowded American prisons of the 1930’s where murder and mayhem amongst inmates was the order of the day, and we have seen movies of more recent times where violence and gang war is still rife in America’s penal institutions, but at least there is a reasonable segregation  of  prisoners within their own cells and ‘warfare’ is largely  confined to the exercise yards, shower blocks etcetera. But, generally speaking, such prisons contain the most brutal of America’s criminals, who have a history of violence and indeed are incarcerated for violent acts. The less dangerous inmates are confined in the better prisons where they are not subject to gang rule and daily threats to their lives.

But in Miami, there are thousands of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ inmates, who are held in large cage-like dwellings for up to 24 men, which have to be seen to be believed. Living behind metal bars on steel bunks, sharing a single shower and two toilets, even the guards admit that the cells are a no-go area for them, unless the cell has been vacated to facilitate an inspection for hidden weapons and contraband.

But what is most shocking, is the behaviour of the inmates themselves. They  have developed a strange and violent jail culture. The men – who remain in the cells almost all the time and are only allowed to go to the exercise yard  twice a week for one hour – live under a ‘gladiatorial code’. They fight each other for food, for status, and often just to pass the endless hours of confinement. Trips to the infirmary are a frequent occurrence as inmates are viciously attacked and beaten, but the guards say they are powerless to end the abuse.

Any sign of weakness is ferociously exploited – and that includes pacifism. As one prisoner cheerfully explained, if somebody is unwilling to fight, you can threaten to hurt him badly unless “his momma sends you money”. His only escape is to tell a warder – but if he does that, he’s really in trouble. “The name of the game is GABOS,” the same prisoner went on. “The Game Ain’t Based On Sympathy.”

The documentary traced the events subsequent to a fight on the sixth floor – a man had been badly beaten by several of his cell-mates. Theroux visited the cell and was told by the inmates that the victim had been testifying on other people’s cases. “Snitches get stitches,” one said.

The victim was tracked down, his eyes swollen shut, and looking as though he’d just gone 10 rounds with a heavy weight boxing champion. He said his cell-mates had taken it in turns to fight him, one after another, six or seven in a row – a practice called “line-up”.

He was asked whether he might have aroused the ire of his cell-mates by co-operating with the state on his case, maybe against his co-defendants. He said the idea was absurd – he’d been arrested for driving with a suspended licence.

Another interview was held with an extremely violent looking man who had spent most of his adult life in jail, although he was only in his late twenties. He said he was being charged with three drug related murders and the State was looking for the death penalty. He seemed resigned to his fate, hypothetically explaining that in the world of gangs and drugs; sometimes it is necessary to kill innocent family victims of rival gang members in order to win respect within the gang culture.

Although clearly lacking in formal education, the man was highly intelligent and even had a wry sense of humour about his life and his situation. What was even more surprising was his revelation that he had written nine novels, all in long hand, and that he had sent eight of out to friends and family to try and see if they could get them published. He held his ninth, hand-written effort in his hands, so we knew that he wasn’t lying.

Other inmates were barely able to speak intelligible English and we had to read sub-titles to have any chance of understanding what they were saying.

There was a kid, just 14 years old, who had been told by his own lawyer to expect to be sentenced to a ten year term, with no parole, for his part in an armed robbery. Quite why he was being tried as an adult prisoner was not explained, but upon enquiry, it was established that the boy was not receiving any schooling and was barely literate. He had been in trouble since a very young age and was obviously totally dysfunctional. But nobody cared.

It was also openly admitted that mental and psychotic inmates were incarcerated in the cells along with the general prison population and were often subject to extreme violence whenever they showed any signs of their mental instabilities or unusual behaviour.

The weak were unmercifully beaten and extorted, the powerful were treated with respect, but everyone had to undergo the trial by fighting. Inmates, some of whom appeared to be otherwise intelligent and rational, could see nothing wrong with hurting, intimidating and extorting the weak and vulnerable, and committing violent acts on the mentally sick. It was all part of their ‘jail culture’ and was universally considered to be perfectly reasonable behaviour.

“Why did you hurt a man who is obviously mentally sick and did you no harm?” the interviewer enquired of one inmate, who had beaten a mentally sick inmate within inches of his life.

“Why not? When I see a man acting crazy, it makes me sick – so I hit him. I become sick, like him, so I do sick things, just like him.”

A common feature amongst many of the violent inmates interviewed was that they had no parents – often dead, usually as a result of gang violence, or they had been deserted when  very young.

Of course, 99% were black, and they were the products of an extremely violent ‘under-class’ who were born, raised and would almost certainly die before their time, forever surrounded by extreme, mindless violence.

I’m not going to do any proselytizing as I think my above narrative speaks volumes, so any further comments would be superfluous.

‘BG live-in’ check list

I wrote the other day that one of my sober- alcoholic friends, Nobby, recently came to Pattaya for a couple of days to pick up some bags and to see me.

Now Nobby is another one of my whore-monger mates, only a few months younger than me , but still making  total fool of himself over Asian women.  He has been in this part of the world for quite a few years now, and his particular penchant is for Cambodian ladies, where he spends most of his time. Like me, he has a bad habit of falling hopelessly in love with ladies, a third of his age, and like me, his affairs always end in heartbreak and a substantial depletion in his investment portfolio.

So having observed that at long last, I – Mobi, have actually succeeded in getting out of the cycle of  love, heartbreak and financial distress, he asked me what was my secret? Now I am the last one to put myself up as an expert on this matter, but it is now over a year since I really had deep feelings about any woman and I do believe that those days of falling in love with a new whore a day after  meeting her, are now finally behind me. I know there have been a few minor blips, when started to think that I might be infatuated, but the difference was that I recognised the symptoms and took prompt action to extricate myself from such doomed relationships.

There has been much debate and millions of words written on the question of whether bar girls can ever make good, loving, faithful wives but despite all my personal disasters in this field, I know, without any doubt, that it is indeed possible. I know this from my own personal observations. I openly concede that the chances are not good and that a vast majority of such relationships end in misery and often penury for the farang involved.

But a small percentage of such relationships do work and I know of a number of marriages that have stood the test of time and that these couples are as happy and content today as on the day that they first met. There is one good friend of mine in Bangkok who has been married to his ‘ex bar-girl’ wife for more than 35 years. When he met her, in a Patpong bar, she was a typical whore: loud mouthed, and hustled the customers for all she was worth in her appalling bar girl English. She had already married and broken up with a Thai man and had a young son to support. Despite all this, they immediately hit it off and it wasn’t long before they first co-habited and later married.

My friend legally adopted his lady’s son and later they had a daughter. They have been faithful to each other ever since and both children are now grown up and have families of their own. The couple are still happily living together in Bangkok.

He is not the only one. I have met and know several others. I admit they are in the minority but let’s face it, how many marriages even in the west survive the test of time these days? Obviously a marriage, (or just a long term relationship), between a farang and a Thai bar girl is fraught with danger, and the chances are high that it will all end in heartbreak. The odds are against such marriages being successful – for many reasons, not least of which is the typically large age difference between the couple  and a clash of ethos and values where the farang has little or no knowledge of the Thai language or culture.

Then if we add the fact that the girl is indeed a prostitute and has been having sex with multiple customers for money; the fact that she has probably come from a broken home and/or has been deserted by her Thai boyfriend, usually being left with kids to take care of; that she probably has had minimal education and has little knowledge of anything in this world other than what her equally ignorant bar girl friends and uneducated family tell her; that her need for money for her kids and /or other family members is of paramount importance in her life and that she has been schooled in the whiles of how to extract house building funds, sick buffalo money and costly sin sods from unsuspecting farangs; then it is hardly surprising that only a very few of these relationship can survive the test of time.

I could go on and on itemising yet more reasons why a farang/bar-girl marriage is doomed and I am sure many of my readers can add to the list. But despite all this, some couples will defy the odds and succeed. Not all farangs are totally inept and lacking in knowledge of Thai language and culture and not all bar girls are ‘morally ruined’, money-hungry whores who are just out to cheat as many farangs as possible and get as rich as they can.

Nobby asked me what he should do to avoid becoming so emotionally involved with these young ladies in the future, and how to find a girl with whom he might stand a fighting chance of being happy with?

So here, with the benefit of much hindsight, (not to say much heartbreak), are ‘Mobi’s 29  questions’  that must be answered in the designated fashion in order to have  a happy, bar girl  relationship.

  1. Have you ever caught her in committing even the slightest untruth, including so-called white lies? (No)
  2. Is she completely honest in all her dealings with you and is she completely open and forthcoming about her family and past life? (Yes)
  3. Does she come from a stable, loving family and does she love them and keep in regular contact with them, especially her mother? (Yes)
  4. Does she ever get angry or start an acrimonious argument with someone, especially for little or no reason? (No)
  5. Is she ever moody and does she take her moodiness out on you? (No)
  6. Does she try to ‘put on airs’ and talk down to other Thais? (No)
  7. Does she complain about or criticise people, especially friends, behind their backs, for no good reason? (No)
  8. Is she extremely ‘anti-farang’, look down on them and think that Thais are far superior? Is she a racist? (No)
  9. Is she reasonable in her financial requirements, with due regard to your income, and does she ever make unreasonable financial demands or put undue pressure on you into buying something or spending money that has not been previously discussed and agreed? (No)
  10. Is she a ‘Drama Queen’? Does she ever lose her temper with you or with other people, (family and friends included), instead of behaving in a sensible and civilised manner. (No)
  11. Is she a regular drinker and does she get periodically drunk? Does she behave badly when drunk – to you or to others? Is she a drug user? (No and No)
  12. Does she frequently return to her previous place of work, meeting up with all her bar girlfriends and maybe asking you to buy them all drinks? (No)
  13. Do you feel that she really wants to have a life with you and share her life and her interests with you and to share your life and interests with her?  (Yes) Or does she regard you purely as a sugar daddy to finance her own, independent lifestyle with her friends and/or family? (No)
  14. Is she a control freak? Does she try to control you and everything you do? (No) Does she let you have your freedom and let you go out occasionally with your friends or to places by yourself? (Yes)
  15. Is she unreasonably jealous and is she always accusing you of having ‘girls on the side’, or even looking at other women? (No)
  16. Does she have any children? Remember that a child is a lifelong responsibility. Are you ready for this? Kids may not require much commitment or financial support from you when they are very young and live far away in Issan, but as they grow up, the burden, both moral and financial, becomes greater and greater. (Preferably No)
  17. Does her family ‘control her’?  Is she always at the beck and call of demanding, unreasonable parents or older siblings who often regard you as a ‘cash cow’, even if she doesn’t? This can be the cause of enormous problems. (No)
  18. How old is she? If she is less than around 27 then there is a high risk she hasn’t yet matured properly as an adult and is still ‘sewing her wild oats’. (Thai women who have worked the bars take longer to emotionally mature.) (27 or older)
  19. How long has she worked as a prostitute? If longer than 2 years, then it will drastically reduce the chances that she can adapt to a non-bargirl lifestyle. (Less than 2 years)
  20. Is saving face more important than doing the right thing? (No)
  21. Does she spend an inordinate amount of time on the phone, chatting inanely to friends? (No)
  22. Does she play cards and gamble? (No)
  23. Is she forever inviting friends to your home and/or disappearing to spend many hours with friends at their home. (No)
  24. Is she habitually late home or in her appointments to meet you outside the home? (No)
  25. Is she a reasonable cook, or if not, is she willing to learn? (Yes)
  26. Is she lazy? Is she prepared to do her bit at home a far as looking after the home and you, including chores like washing up and cooking – or does she just have a maid who she throws all the work at? (No)
  27. Does she want to ‘better herself’ by learning things like English or computer studies; or does she have a part time or full time job to keep herself occupied? If not, does she want one? (Yes)
  28. Does she spend her days mainly lazing around, watching Thai soaps and listening to Thai generic pop music and talking to her friends on the phone? (No)
  29. Do both of you enjoy good, all-encompassing sex, and do you both achieve regular orgasms and know how to make each other sexually stimulated and gratified? (Yes).With all couples, the sexual part of the relationship will fade with time, but it is reckoned that in most loving relationships, the sex will continued to be enjoyed for a number of years after co-habitation. If it doesn’t work in the beginning, then the chances are that the relationship is doomed before you start.

If you wish to give yourself the best possible chance of having a long and happy relationship with a Thai Bar girl, you should be prepared to walk away from the relationship if you have more than 3 ‘bad’ answers to the above questions, but failure to have anything other than a 100% positive answer to question numbers 1 through 15 will mean that you have little or no chance of being realistically happy for anything other than a very brief period. (Note, you may well stay together for a long time, but you will NOT be happy).

As for Noo and Mobi, I can honestly say, hand on heart, that the only one of the above 29 questions that I have a bad answer to, is number 16. Indeed, when I first met Noo, I rejected her as a potential live-in because she didn’t satisfy the ‘no children’ requirement. But over time, as I started to realise that in all other respects she was such a wonderful find, I decided to override my misgivings on this point and am now prepared to take responsibility for her two children.

It took me a lifetime to find her, but for others, you may have more luck – especially if you try to learn from my mistakes.

You may well wonder how on earth anyone can know all the answers until you have lived together for a while and that is indeed the case. But the longer you ‘woo’ her, before taking her as your ‘live-in’, the more you will be able to answer many of the above questions, and during the early stages of co-habitation, the remaining answers will soon become evident.

If you start to register too many negatives – then get rid of her and start again!

BUTT…BUTT….I DON’T GIVE A HOOT!!!

3 thoughts on “A Bit of Darkside Mobi-Babble; Miami’s ‘Mad Max’ Mega Jails; 29 Questions Before Marrying a Whore”

  1. “misery and pecuniary” You have either omitted the word “loss” after pecuniary, or should have used the word “penury” Which is it?

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  2. My rules for whore relationship happiness.

    1. Don’t be a customer. You can befriend a bird from a bar, but if you pay for sex she will always see you as a customer and you will always see her as a whore. So if you meet a bird that’s cool, take her out, buy her dinner, but don’t give her cash afterwards.

    2. Be honest. Tell her you have fucked whores and hear about her customers.

    3. Find out about her family. Visit their family and see what they expect. If want more than food and beer – abort the relationship.

    4. Drink, drugs, gambling = DON’T EVEN BOTHER

    5. Trust her in the open, never accuse her, but be keep an eye out..

    6. If she accuses you of fucking around without proper cause it’s because she’s fucking around.

    7. Don’t be a pussy in a relationship. Thai’s don’t respect men that are, but also don’t be a brute. It’s a fine line.

    8. And finally, be faithful. Or don’t. But don’t expect her to act any different to the way you act to her.

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