Lake Mabprachan, East Pattaya, 7th November, 2010.

The “Home” page is my daily blog. The remaining tabs contain previously blogged, episodic ‘stories’, which are now re-published in chronological order.


Surprise! Surprise! I’m still sober. It’s is now 9 days, but if I keep this up for any length of time I will count my sobriety from 1st November as it will make things much easier.

I am feeling pretty good. I have good days and ‘not quite so good days’. I have had my ‘urges’, which on several occasions almost led me to go out and have a drink, but in the end I have resisted, and the longer I stay away from the booze, the better my chances of keeping sober.

My last post was on Wednesday, and it is now Sunday. For a vast majority of that time I have been at home with my dogs. I didn’t open the front gate for three days in a row and I stayed indoors, did my housework, cooked my meals and generally pottered around and tried to keep my mind and body occupied.

I put up two wall clocks, which have been lying around since I moved in, groomed my dogs, set up a link from the TV to my computer monitor so that I could watch TV at my computer desk when the fancy takes me.

(I like watching the news every now and then while doing other computer work. I have my laptop screen extended to a 22 inch TV which acts as a second computer monitor, so I have two active screens on the go and I use a large, cordless keyboard so that I don’t have to fiddle-faddle with the small Acer keyboard.  It’s a good set up, and my old desk top has been relegated to a back up role.)

On Friday evening, I took Cookie, my golden retriever, for a walk along the lakeside. This was the first time I had taken any of the dogs out since they came here. Cookie needs some exercise as there isn’t sufficient room in the garden for her to really stretch her legs properly. She runs around a little but I don’t believe it is enough to keep her fit. (The two little Shih Tzu’s are fine as they get tired just running from one end of the lounge to the other.)

So we took a 20 minute walk and I don’t know who was more tired, Cookie or me, which proved to me, (as if I needed any proof), that both of us are out of shape and need more exercise. A long time ago I used to take Cookie for an occasional swim in the lake, which is very good exercise for her. Unfortunately there is no easy access to the lakeside just where I am living so I will have to take her in the car and drive round the lake a bit to find a suitable spot for her to take a swim. All retrievers are incredible swimmers and they will swim for hours if you let them.

As ever I have spent a great deal of time at my computer doing all manner of things. I have downloaded some more stuff to watch, including the first series of “Breaking Bad” and have whiled away the evenings watching the downloaded material.

Thank you to Joe for recommending ‘Breaking Bad’ Like so many of the contemporary American series, they seem to have a slow start, but once you have seen a couple of episodes you are totally hooked. Breaking Bad is wonderful entertainment – full of drama, extremely black humour, (I actually laughed out loud during some of the more gory scenes) and brilliant acting. The characters, none of them particularly likeable, are so believable. The Brits seem to have lost the lack of making stuff like this, although it has to be said that the budgets used for these series would probably fund the whole of BBC drama for a year. Whatever the reason, the Yanks have certainly raised the art of producing quality TV drama to a whole new level.

Significantly, I have finished the first chapter of my novel in draft form – all 7,800 words of it and all fresh writing.  I am unsure at this point how much of the original “Mobi’s Story” and the ‘vignettes’ can be incorporated into my novel, without completely re-writing them. It’s kind of strange – writing it all again as a novel – as I am no longer constrained by the need to stick closely to the facts. I can embellish and invent to my heart’s content, if I think it will make the story more enjoyable to a wider readership. It remains to be seen how much embellishment I consider necessary. In the grand scheme of things I doubt it will be that much – after all, I have always been a great believer in the old adage that ‘truth is stranger than fiction’.

Yesterday, Saturday, was the first time I have ventured out since last weekend. I met up with an old mate of mine at a bar round the lake. He works in Bangkok during the week and I hadn’t seen him for several weeks so we had plenty of news to catch up on. This was my first test at sitting at a bar for hours and not taking a drink. I passed with flying colours. My friend was slowly getting pissed on whisky sodas, and my stomach was becoming bloated with too much bottled water.

We chatted for about three hours, and when we moved to a second bar, I happened to look at my phone and discovered a message sent by Wan two hours previously that she was on the bus from Bangkok back to Pattaya.  I called and she was nearly at Pattaya bus station, so that ended my afternoon chin wag and I hurried down to Pattaya to pick her up.

So Wan is back with me and we will see how things progress. All my close friends, whose advice I value, have urged me to give it a go with Wan and that is what I propose to do.

It seems like an eternity, but it is only just over a year since I left my wife, Dang, for the last time. It was mid October, 2009 when I loaded up my car and drove to my new home in Jomtien.

Much has happened in this past year and just a quick flick back through my blog will reveal a good deal of what actually transpired.

When I left Dang, I still loved her, and I suppose I can thank Tan and my ridiculous infatuation with her for finally ridding me of the ‘demonic love’ I had for Dang.

I was so crazy about Dang for so many years. It affected everything I did in my life. Early on in my marriage, possible even before we got married,I knew  that she was not a good person – she lied and deceived me time and time again; she spent my money like there was no tomorrow and most hurtful of all, she had many affairs while we were still together. I knew all this, yet I clung onto the deluded belief that somehow, in some way I could make her see that I was a good man and that she should treat me better, change her ways and be a better wife to me. I left her many times, but each time I returned, after she promised faithfully to change her ways. But of course the opposite happened. She just became worse and worse as she realised that whatever she did, I would still be there.

We used to have terrible, drunken rows  that wore both of us down. When drunk, Dang had a proclivity for violence and she used to punch, bite and claw me so badly that on several occasions I required hospital treatment. She has inflicted permanent damage to my left eye.

The only harm I have ever done to her is grabbing her to stop her hitting me, which often resulted in bruises, and pushing her away from me. However drunk and angry I was, I never retaliated with physical violence, and for that I am very glad.

When not hitting me, she would resort to the destruction of my property. She would try to wreck my car while I was driving along and at home, she would wreck tables, chairs, throw all kinds of household items and papers into the pool smash glass table tops and break virtually anything she could lay her hands on. On several occasions she even resorted to pulling up plants in the garden. Her favourite ‘victim’ was mobile phones. I lost count of the number of her own phones she threw at a wall or into the swimming pool, and on a few occasions she succeeded in smashing mine as well.

I could go on and on, as the events that occurred over the six years I was with her will remain forever embedded in my memory, but I think the foregoing is enough to give my readers an understanding of my unhappy marriage, especially to those of you who have not bothered to read my older  blogs and vignettes.

Of course, I was no angel. I tried to be the best possible husband during the early years of our marriage, but as time went on and I came to realise her duplicitous and amoral behaviour, I wasn’t averse to a night’s carousing in the bars of Bangkok and Pattaya, and naturally I bedded the odd girl along the way. But for the most part, I restricted myself to drinking and playing with girls in the pubs and clubs. ‘Extracurricular girl friends’ were few and far between. I was too besotted with Dang.

I went through a very dark period after I left Dang and it came to crisis in the New Year when I became extremely suicidal. Somehow I was brought back from the edge, but still had many difficult times, including several accidents, and long, drunken binges, for much of this year. My car has been in the repair shop for three months, and my badly smashed wrist is now partly functioning, but I still have aches and pains, no doubt caused by the metal pin that has been inserted in it.

Many women have come and gone in the past 12 months, most of them for only one night but some stayed for a few days, others a few weeks. I had a brief period of semi-happiness when Tan moved in with me, but six weeks later my life was once more in tatters when she dumped me.

I had become infatuated with Tan, which as mentioned above had the virtue of finally putting paid to my love for Dang.

More drunken crisis’s after Tan left, and more accidents, but as the year has worn on I have got over her and now see her for what she truly is.

For the first time in many years I have no emotional attachment to any woman and I am now as happy as I have been for quite a while. I spent over a week alone and I was content with my own company, and content not to pick up a drink. This is the first time I can recall, ever, that I have been like this. I have always hated loneliness and always yearned for company.

Now Wan is back with me and maybe it is a start of a new era for my life. It’s never too late to turn things around and I know this is probably my last chance.

I have much to do to bring more normalcy and meaning into my life, including re-establishing a daily contact with AA, but all in all I think I have made a good start. I give myself a 6/10 for effort.

So wish me luck folks.

5 thoughts on “Lake Mabprachan, East Pattaya, 7th November, 2010.”

  1. Hi Mobi,
    Glad to know your sober 11 days. For this alcoholic self-lessness is the watch word. I’ve found that through some twist of fate I’ve been delt a great hand in life–except for the fact I’m an alcoholic. But there is where God came into the picture. Through my alcoholism I was brought to my knees running my life on my own thinking (self-will) and it’ gave me poor results. Running my life on self will had me drinking to excess for my “comfort”, then becoming an alcoholic and drug addict experiencing the lows of alcoholism. The only way out I found was the spiritual program of AA. Through desperation I tried it, was initially repulsed by the God idea but through desperation finally embraced it. I had to be “kicked to the curb” quite few times though and punished into submission that my own thinking about now to run my life gave me really poor results. Through taking the steps I began to break down what was blocking me from a connection with something greater than myself. I was skeptical, but it really did work —— once I tried it. And trying it didn’t mean just going to meetings. It meant actually doing the steps, 123 were easy. 4th step was where the rubber meets the road, looking at anger, resentment, fear and by twisted relations with others over the years.

    ~Consirnd

    Like

  2. Thanks for your thoughtful and inteersting post Turk. I will try to answer your enquiries in today’s blog.

    Yes, Snot ass is quite funny, but I don’t dare say too much, or there will be no end to his banter….

    As I think I posted recently, I enjoy reading any and all comments, but that doesn’t mean that I slavishly follow proffered advice, good or bad. I’ve been in this ‘game of life’ long enough now to know that ultimately, it is me and only me that can change my life around. But every now and then I do pick up useful ‘snippets’ that I store away and try to put into practise.

    It is exactly the same with AA meetings. There is so much there that I don’t agree with and some of the attendees are nothing short of religious fruitcakes; but I rarely go to a meeting when there isn’t at least one little gem of wisdom or an interesting anecdote that I can relate to and take away with me for a ‘rainy day’.

    Like

  3. Hilarious dilemma you’re in there Mobi~san… your commenters today seem to be like the little cartoon devil (replete with pitchfork) sitting on one shoulder saying, “Go ahead… DO IT… you know you want to.” and the little harp playing angel saying, “No, you know that’s not right!.” So what say YOU Mr. Mobi~san?

    Tough choice that free will thing we are handed. Personally I don’t have a religious bone in my body (all religions seem crap), but spiritually… there’s so much that seems in right relationship in a world when one refuses to take things so personally and start thinking of others over self… helping remove their impediments in life. Pee Prasert comes to mind.

    It is something to try, anyway. The trick is to detach and watch life as a movie… laughing our arses off, shaking our head and even shedding a tear or two as we realize the damage we’ve done, how pathetic we can sometimes be and how good and easy life is when we let it flow by being a bit more selfless. It is a choice in every moment. Involution or Evolution…?

    With an abiding belief in the circle of life you understand your only job here is to do it a little bit better this time. ALL impediments placed in our life are only there so we can choose to make choices and witness the change… higher selfless choices or give in to our selfish baser instincts. It’s a choice… only a choice, nothing bad, nothing good about it, not a judgment… just choice, but know you’re not in this existence alone…

    So how’s your movie playing out Mobi? Is that rash you have developed from repeated jabs of the pitchfork? Higher choices won’t make you a dullard, it will just seem like it to those you’ve left behind on their truly empty bar stools.

    Take good care of your “fresh eyes” my friend… and enjoy life.

    Turk

    Like

  4. Glad you are well and being looked after, everyone needs someone to lean on sooner or later.

    Mobi, we make our own luck, you will do what ever you intend without our help. Almost everything depends on intent, what you really want or need and your own efforts towards those goals.

    I believe what you need is a true friend and I hope you and Wan can come to that arrangement. Doing something for others on a routine basis is a good way to resurrect a healthy self esteem. Believe it or not life is not all about any of us. Just cogs in a maze of wheels is all we are. If you and Wan could find a common cause you both have an interest in, may be a step in the right direction in finding a real friendship on an even playing field .

    It is good to hear you are busy with your writing and spending your time on productive endeavors you enjoy. Being sober is nothing more than breaking the cycle of addiction both physical/mental and finding something better to do with your time. Forgetting the last part of the equation results in becoming a dry drunk, ( I’ve known a few ) a miserable existence that makes drinking look like the better alternative.

    Keep up the good work and I wish you well and hope you raise the bar to a 7/10 effort soon!

    Like

  5. Wish you luck? I wish you Godspeed to getting back to good times. Content, happy, normalcy … please, these are not words we associate you with.

    When you lie in bed with Wan, struggling to fall asleep, thinking of the nothingness that has just filled the last 15 hours, does the image of a warm wet pussy pushing down on your finger and a cold wet beer sliding down your neck, pop into your head? No matter how much you try to convince yourself that the Dangs of this world are bad for you, deep down you know that’s what you need. Why else would you be reminiscing of the “good old days” in your otherwise uneventful post?

    Life on the edge is what you were built for. Of course there were lots of downs but there were the up too. Do you really want to live life as a dullard?You may live a few years longer with Wan but what a pointless existence that would be, what a waste of the last years of your life. Painting watercolours of the lake, stamp collecting, knitting clubs …. such are the joys of a repentant womanising alcoholic.

    Your carousing ways remind me of the late Oliver Reed. He dropped down dead, pissed as a fart, arm wrestling in a bar – so much a better way to go out than sitting in a chair looking at your garden, sober.

    Like

Comments are closed.