The “Home” page is my daily blog. The remaining tabs contain previously blogged, episodic ‘stories’, which are now re-published in chronological order.
To all you cynics out there, you will be delighted to learn that once again I have fallen off the wagon, so not a good start to my kao pansaa.
It all started last Tuesday, at which time I had been completely sober for 15 days.
I called a young lady who I had slept with a few days previously and suggested we go out for a meal as her bar was closed for the day.
I duly picked her up at her room and she asked if her two older sisters could go with us, a request that I was happy to accede to.
After a quick stop by my condo, I decided to drive out to Bang Sarae to the large seafood restaurant that is sited on stilts and stretches out into the sea at the end of the beach, just by Bang Sarae village.
This has always been one of my favourite sea food restaurants. The food is fresh, well cooked and reasonably priced, and the ambience is superb, especially at this time of year when the temperatures are moderated by cool sea breezes.
There weren’t a lot of customers, but as we choose our table, I noticed a very large Thai party who, to my surprise, were drinking beer and wine. This was the start of Kao Pansaa and I thought that the restaurant would be dry of booze.
I suddenly had an urge to drink some beer with my meal. I asked the girls if they wanted some beer, and when they agreed that it would go down very well with our repast I tried to order a few bottles.
The waiter told me that they couldn’t sell me any alcohol, whereupon I pointed to the nearby table where there was a large party of Thais who were getting quite drunk.
The waiter informed me that the Thais had brought their own beer and wine with them to the restaurant.
“So it’s Ok if you bring your own?” I asked.
He nodded in the affirmative, and for a moment I wanted to go out and find a place that would sell me a few bottles of beer, but in the end common sense prevailed and we ordered some water and cokes.
It was a great meal and we all stuffed ourselves silly.
We drove back to Pattaya and I decided to go to Friendship Supermarket to get a few bits and pieces and maybe buy a bottle of wine. However, they too were not selling alcohol, so once again I was thwarted.
The girls wanted to go to Central Department store on Second Road, and as I drove through Soi Bukow market, I noticed that there was a row of little bars, packed with farangs, all openly drinking bottles of beer!
The girls did a bit of shopping and I relaxed in Starbucks with a couple of coffees.
At length we met up again and I drove them home before returning to my condo – alone.
But I couldn’t get the idea of having a drink out of my mind, and by late evening I was feeling peckish and decided to pop out to the supermarket over the road and get a snack, and maybe some booze.
It was 11.30 p.m on the second day of Kao Pansaa and the booze shelves had the dreaded notices pinned to them advising customers that no alcoholic drinks could be sold that day.
I asked the cashier if I could buy a couple of bottles of wine, not expecting a positive answer, so was quite surprised when she nodded yes.
So the die was cast and I bought two bottles – a white and a rose – both chilled. The cashier wrapped the bottles in newspapers so that no one could see what was in my shopping bag!!!
So just before midnight I opened the bottle of rose and two hours later the bottle was empty.
My psychiatrist had warned me that it would be dangerous to drink with my new antidepressant, but I was pretty stoned after 15 days on the wagon and decided to take the meds anyway.
I didn’t wake up until well after noon, and I felt like shit. I couldn’t rouse myself for another hour, but eventually I felt well enough to get up and as the afternoon wore on, I felt pretty much OK.
It was Wednesday and the bars were back open and I was bursting to go out and have a drink. At the first place I stopped at, I had a stab of guilt, so I resisted temptation and just had an orange juice. Unfortunately my will soon crumbled and I followed up by ordering a glass of red wine.
After that first glass I moved onto one of my new ‘venues’ on the Darkside, once again initially resisting temptation and I started off with a diet Coke.
By the time I was ready to have my first glass of wine, some drunken yank was making a total arse of himself by trying to sing along with “Cottton fields back home” on the DJ’s microphone. He was ‘singing’ so loud that the bar staff could not hear my order.
The noise from this drunk was utterly deafening and after several abortive attempts to get the bar staff to hear my order, I lost my cool, slammed the money for my coke on the bar and left in a huff.
My next port of cool was Tan’s bar, which was completely divested of customers.
I was made a fuss of by all except Tan who neither greeted me nor looked at me. I don’t know why she still insists in behaving as I though I don’t exist, as I have never done her any harm and our affair has been well and truly over for quite a while. Furthermore, she was the one who broke it off – not me. Surely it wouldn’t hurt her to say “hello”?
But there you go.
I ordered some Thai food but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to drink alcohol in front of Tan so I ordered a soft drink instead.
I still wanted a drink but I wasn’t going to drink there, so after I finished my meal I moved on to another bar around the lake where I had a couple of glasses of foul tasting white wine. (They were out of red).
I wasn’t enjoying myself very much so I decided to return to the bar where I had been unable to order a drink a couple of hours earlier and had stormed out of.
This time I succeeded in ordering some half way decent red wine and settled down to quite a long session, knocking back quite few glasses of ‘el vino’ in the process.
The bar was supposed to close at midnight and I had a shock when I looked at my watch to find that it was well past 1.30. The place was still buzzing but I decided it was time to move on.
As I walked to the front door, I was stopped and led to the back of the bar where a side door was unlocked and I was able to walk out into a side street. From the main road, to all intents and purposes it looked as though the bar was closed.
You would never have guessed that there was still a bunch of punters whooping it up inside.
I was feeling no pain, but if I had gone home then, I probably would have been fine.
But my problem is that I am an alcoholic, and once I start drinking I find it almost impossible to stop. Once I reach a certain point in my inebriation, there is no turning back.
It was past 2.a.m. and I decided to go to Walking Street as that was the only place that would still be in full swing at that time of the morning.
I went into one of my regular go-go bars where I was given a right royal welcome. I had a couple of Sang Soms before moving onto another go-go bar. Here I bought a few girls a few drinks and stayed until it closed at around 3.30.
I walked out with three girls on my arms but decided I wanted to continue drinking and got rid of them before ending up at the all night, Simon’s bar complex.
On my way back from the loo in the Simon’s complex, a girl screamed my name. I had seen her earlier in the evening at my first stopping off point and she was now ‘moonlighting’ in Walking Street.
She was a nice, petite, sexy young thing with a tight fitting red dress that barely covered the top of her thighs.
She was all over me, and eventually we made it back to my condo at around 5 a.m.
I collapsed on the bed and was awoken at 11.a.m by the lady who wanted to go home as she started work at Noon!
I felt terrible and couldn’t move or open my eyes. I eventually told her to let herself out and the security guard would call a motorcycle taxi for her.
The next thing I knew it was 3 p.m. and I still felt terrible and still couldn’t move or open my eyes.
I lay there in semi conscious state for another hour before I eventually got up and made myself a pot of coffee.
After the coffee I actually recovered quite quickly and it wasn’t long before I was cooking myself a proper meal which I heartily devoured.
By early evening I felt completely recovered and by late evening I was ready for that bottle of wine that had been sitting in my fridge since Tuesday night.
I couldn’t make up my mind whether to go out or not, but eventually decided to stay in.
The European Athletics Championships were on Eurosport and I was also transfixed to the internet radio by the live cricket commentary from Trent Bridge, Nottingham where England were batting in the first test match against Pakistan.
It had been a gripping day’s play which didn’t finish until past 12.30 a.m. By then I decided it was far too late to go out anywhere.
I killed the bottle of wine, felt a little tipsy, but not overly so as I had been drinking very slowly and also had a fair bit of food, which always helps to control my level of inebriation.
I must have slept around 2 a.m. and woke up at 10.00 this morning not feeling too bad at all.
I had intended to continue my Vignette on NID today, and stay completely silent regarding my latest fall from grace, as far as alcohol is concerned.
But when I first started this blog, just over a year ago, I promised that whatever else I did, I would always be honest and tell it the way it is – good and bad, ‘warts an’all’.
I know the folk who have written comments of encouragement will be disappointed in me, (as I am with myself), and I know that the cynics and Mobi-haters out there will be celebrating and have been waiting with baited breath for just such a lapse.
I’m sure they are salivating at the prospect of once again following my ever downward path to self-destruction and inevitable death.
But I must tell you all that today I feel pretty good. A bottle of wine, drunk slowly, over several hours, is not that terrible. Also I think the new drug is continuing to lift my moods and I really don’t feel at all depressed.
I will talk to my psychotherapist next Tuesday and ask him if he feels I should reconsider the detox option. I should also seriously think about AA meetings again.
The main thing is that despite my recent self-indulgences, I am still thinking very positively.
Maybe this little relapse was just a small backward step along the long and difficult road to genuine and lasting rehabilitation.
More on NID tomorrow.