Well I blew her out.
It didn’t make any sense to let her come and live with me.
My past life is strewn with women who have stayed with me under similar circumstances and all of them have cost me so much in grief, guilt and invariably a lot of money, which as a result is now seriously depleted.
I don’t love Mam, she doesn’t love me, she is over 40 years younger than me, and she isn’t even that great in bed.
There are so many girls around. When I am ready to commit to a new relationship it shouldn’t be a major problem to find a suitable ‘candidate’.
I am not yet over Tan. I still think about her a lot and the only reason I want to shack up with a new young girl is to help me forget Tan. It will work to a certain extent, but the new relationship will collapse as it is based on the wrong emotions.
When I was trying to get over Dang last year I was looking for an older woman, and totally rejected anyone under 28.
Because I was looking for a Dang ‘lookalike’ as a replacement.
In fact I knew Tan for a year before I became serious about her. I even took her out for dinner once or twice but decided against seeing her again because she was too young!!
Somewhere along the line, my love for Dang died and Tan became available so I ignored my reservations about her age. Anyone who knows Tan would confirm that her general demeanour is more like a 30 year-old than a 22 year old. I was truly surprised when she told me how young she was.
So I am still in love with Tan and looking for another young girl to take her place. It is stupid and I realise it now. Mam’s demeanour is more like that of an 18 year old. She is really just a kid, and behaves like one.
So that is that. No more headlong rushes into new relationships
I don’t feel great today. It seems that my days alternate between quite upbeat and fairly downbeat. Last night I took a Xanax and slept just after midnight, and woke at 10 this morning. It was a very long sleep but I woke feeling depressed. I am not sure about this Xanax. Tonight I will not take one and see how I feel tomorrow.
I have just finished reading F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel: “Tender is the night”.
Fitzgerald writes beautifully. He is truly one of the all time giants of English literature and his command of the novel genre is breathtaking. If I had just 5% of his talent I would be eternally grateful.
Tender is the Night is about a time and a way of life that is long gone. But it is every bit as relevant in its examination of human nature and human behaviour as if it had been written today.
It is about the indolent rich, living their aimless, dissipated, self indulgent lives on the French Riviera. It spans the decade following the end of the First World War.
I can draw many parallels between the indolent lifestyle described in the novel and the indolent lifestyle of those such as Mobi with too much money, too many easily available women and a propensity for alcohol.
Tender is the Night is about mental illness, love, hate, jealousy, hypocrisy, resentment, revenge, and so on; but most of all, in my humble opinion it is about the descent of the central character into alcoholism.
The novel is largely autobiographical and indeed it is difficult to see how even a great author like Fitzgerald could write about such a subject without being a sufferer himself. He certainly was and he died at a young age.
Tender is the Night is a very sad tale.
It relates the story of an intelligent, highly intellectual, handsome, charming man who was born with all the advantages that life has to offer. He marries a beautiful, rich woman who worships him, but over a ten year period he gradually degenerates into an alcoholic. The changes to his character at first are barely discernible, but over time he starts to lose all his friends, many of whom used to adore him and hang on his every word. Eventually, of course he loses the love of his wife and he ends up alone, impoverished and lost.
The understanding of an alcoholic in this tale, which was written over 80 years ago, is little short of uncanny. Even AA had yet to get into its stride, yet Fitzgerald clearly understands that some people can drink in moderation, and others can never stop.
Over 100 years earlier, another great author, Thomas Hardy, wrote similar tales on the effects of alcoholism.
It is a timeless subject and a timeless problem.
I am still praying, working on my fourth step and still sober.