Well a week has dragged by since I last blogged, and right now I have more pain than I have had for days.
I will try to update my faithful readers who are no doubt waiting with baited breath for the latest Mobi calamity, but I am not sure how long I can keep typing. So I’ll just play it by ear.
Firstly my wrist. It hasn’t been giving me too much grief as it has been immobilised in a fibreglass splint, and I have been using my left hand for everything, including wiping my arse!! It has been very tiresome, especially showering and shaving, but I have been managing surprisingly well.
Yesterday morning I had an appointment with the specialist, but I had been drinking nearly all night and didn’t crash until 5 a.m. (More of this later if my wrist holds out). So I missed the appointment and finally arrived at the hospital, late afternoon ad saw another specialist who had no previous knowledge of my medical history.
He got my post op x-ray up on screen and I was surprised to see a large metal T-shaped plate inserted in my wrist, with the top of the T across the wrist just below my palm and the ‘trunk’ of the T running about 2 inches down the centre of my wrist.
I asked the surgeon if the plate would remain the permanently, but he didn’t know. He said it might depend on the mobility of my wrist, but wasn’t sure of my surgeon’s intentions.
Not very encouraging, but it was my fault for missing the appointment.
They took the splint off and cleaned up the wound – a long scar running down the centre of my wrist. It looked ghastly and when I looked at it I broke out in a sweat and almost fainted. I’ve always been a coward when it comes to looking at my own bloody injuries. Then they re-dressed it and gave me thick leather type wrist ‘sleeve’ which wraps around my wrist and is held together with Velcro straps so I can remove it when I wash, etc.
I’m not convinced I am ready for this new support because ever since I have been wearing it I have had a lot of pain – the reason is, (I think), because my wrist is no longer completely immobilised and every time I move it I get stabs of pain. I also seem to have a permanent background ache.
I am supposed to go back in two weeks, but I’m considering making an appointment for early next week to have a chat with my surgeon about the pain and prognosis.
So what else have I been up to?
No prizes for guessing.
It’s been a bit of a blur, and my mood has ranged from extremely suicidal to being relatively happy.
My unbalanced state of mind has been driven primarily by my breakup with Tan. I am still obsessed with her and I would have great difficulty in resisting going back to her, if she ever asked me to – even though I know it would be crazy.
So last Sunday, out of the blue, I received an sms from Tan asking if I still wanted to be with her. I replied in the affirmative and went out to the lake where she had gone back to work, to talk to her. She wasn’t friendly – in fact quite aggressive – but after a couple of hours of intermittent conversation she said she would go back to me on her terms which were: She would continue to live with her friends in the rooms behind the bar and come and sleep with me 3 times a week.
In return I would continue to ‘maintain’ her and she wouldn’t go out with any other customers. She also insisted that I stop drinking.
There was no way I was going to agree to this, (the sleeping arrangements and the abstinence), – in spite of my infatuation, but I continued to negotiate with a sort of lurid fascination. She finally agreed to sleeping 4 days a week with me, and also that I could drink but only in moderation.
Although I agreed to these conditions I wasn’t at all sure I would go along with them as even I could see how ridiculous the situation was. I continued to drink at the bar and ponder the situation and came to the conclusion I had little to lose by going along with it for a while. I had already paid her monthly allowance up front for June so it would cost me nothing to spend a few nights with her trying to repair our relationship.
I went down the road to another bar to have a few drinks with an old friend and later returned to Tan’s bar. She was very distant but did accept a few drinks and I even bought her a meal.
Then about 10 O’clock she dropped her bombshell. She said she would not be going home with me that evening. I asked her why but received no reply. After another hour she disappeared – presumably to bed, but who really knows? I was pretty pissed by now and bemoaned my misfortune to one of Tan’s friends before taking off to get drunk elsewhere.
The next day Tan refused to take my calls or answer my sms’s and a few days later she did eventually tell me that I had spoken bad about her to her friend and we were finished for good. I have not spoken to her since, and I am sure that it is now all over.
I know that it is the best result for both of us and that it would never have worked in the long term. Tan’s aunt, who owns the bar had told me several times that Tan was a good hearted girl but she got bored very quickly and she was very lazy if she didn’t get a regular kick up the arse.
This all proved to be the case. At first, she was so keen to go back to college and then university, yet within two weeks she had given up and returned to work at the bar.
I know it was partly my fault, but it seems clear that she seized the opportunity to back out as she soon realised it was all too hard and she was much happier living with her friends at the bar.
That is why she has played such hard ball and adamantly refused to give me a second chance. Her aunt tried to persuade her for hours and told her that she should try again with me but she wouldn’t. She just can’t accept the responsibility of a long term relationship and just wants have a good time in the bar – she is still a kid.
To those who have accused, me of ‘demonising’ Tan, I apologise. She is not a bad person, and in many ways was very nice and attentive when she was with me. I have already written at length about this. But she was lazy – one of the laziest girls I have ever stayed with and such is my nature that I will never tell my girls what to do if they don’t wish to do it of their own volition.
She did virtually no house work, left dirty dishes for days, only ever cooked for me twice when her family were around, would never clean the condo, make the bed, or even put dirty dishes in the sink and so on…
It didn’t bother me per se. I was quite happy to do my share, (and hers as well), as it didn’t really amount to much work. It just bothered me that she was lazy and didn’t behave in a way that was in keeping with her culture. The crowning indignity was when she cooked for her friend one day, and was surprised when I asked her if she had cooked anything for me. She said “Oh I didn’t know you wanted to eat with us”! Even her friend seemed embarrassed.
I did do a lot for her and tried very hard to behave well and be good to her. I spent a lot of money on her one way or another; including renting her a motorcycle and paying a lot of money for her college fees, uniforms, books and so on. OK I wasn’t perfect and I did get drunk a number of times and spoke badly to her – but I never abused her, never screwed around and tried to let her have as much freedom as possible to spend time with her friends.
If Tan wanted to finish with me, she could have just told me that it wasn’t working and maybe a little ‘thank you’ for all I did for her. But nothing, not a word – it took days before she would even tell me we were finished.
It was my perceived injustice of the above that eventually led me to sink into a huge depression. For a couple of days I seriously considered ending it all – as I know I am living a totally deluded lifestyle which will forever lead to more misery and despair. And I can’t seem to snap out of it.
So the past few days are a bit of a blur. I have had all sorts of girls from all over the place and I believe it was yesterday that I had assignations with 3 different girls in 3 different places who I had screwed during the previous days. I couldn’t make up my mind which one to take so I found a new one.
Screwing all these women helps to take my mind off Tan and I can feel my obsession slowly weakening and my mood getting progressively better.
I am looking into the possibility of checking into a hospital for a detox. I have two places in mind – one in Chiang Mai and another in Bangkok.
Against all the odds my friend Dave has actually stopped drinking again and sounds very upbeat. This is all due to the support he received from a hospital in Bangkok So I might give it a whirl.
I will only do it if I am sure that I really want to go for it – otherwise it will be a waste of money.
But it might help to break the self destructive cycle I am in.