Today I have been sober for 117 days.
For me, Christmas is just a mass of bad memories. I always dread Christmas, as invariably I get very depressed, and I’m sorry to say that this year seems to be no exception.
Ever since I can remember, so many Christmases have been a time for unhappiness for me; full of traumatic and emotionally charged events.
When I was a kid my father always chose Christmas Day as a special occasion to throw the most violent temper tantrums and make my family’s Christmas as miserable as possible. Then in my teenage years, when I was so shy and introverted and lacking in self esteem my Christmases, were very lonely occasions.
Later, my various marriages always seemed to bring out the worst my wives, and I have recently written about my fourth wife’s behaviour over a number of Christmases – not so very different to my father’s behaviour, all those years ago.
And so on to my current wife, who has always had a knack of making my Christmases as miserable as possible. She would invariably get drunk and disappear, sometimes not returning for days, and almost certainly shacking up with someone either Pattaya or Bangkok. She even did this on one recent occasion when my family was staying with me. It was a terrible time for me, having to put on a ‘brave face’ and trying to hide my wife’s bad behavior from my family, while all the time aching with hurt and anger.
So true to tradition, I am now in the midst of a bad depression, and I am at home, alone, with no plans to do anything much except to try and see out the day in one piece, and not to take a drink. If I succeed, this Christmas will at least be notable for one milestone in my life, the first sober Christmas since I was quite a young child.
Yesterday morning, my wife phoned me repeatedly. Eventually, against my better judgment, for the first time since I left home, I answered her call and spoke to her. I wish that I hadn’t. She complained that my intermediary had not reimbursed her yet for some house bills she had paid, and she needed the money desperately as she was going away the next day (today). I told her I would call the intermediary and see what could be done, but told her that she had her own life and her family was visiting from England and therefore she may not be free. My wife berated me for not doing enough to get the money to her, and she wouldn’t stop complaining. She was being her usual pain in the ass – as selfish and self-obsessed as ever. I told her that I can’t concern myself with her holiday plans and her need for money – that is nothing to do with me, and she should stick to what has been agreed. She wouldn’t stop, so I eventually lost my temper with her and slammed down the phone. It seems that nothing much has changed, and the conversation left me in a very bad and increasingly depressed mood.
One thing is for sure – I will not talk to her again.
As is my want, I tried to cheer myself up and went out in the early evening for something to eat and to see a lovely lady who I have known for a number of years and in an ‘on and off’ sort of manner. I asked her to come out with me and have a meal, but she declined as she had already made alternative arrangements, but promised me that she was free on Christmas day, and we made arrangements to meet up in the late afternoon and have a nice Christmas lunch together.
Then this morning I received an sms from her, effectively ‘blowing me out’. I guess you can say that was the ‘icing on my Christmas cake’ of misery.
So here I am, writing my blog, when millions, all over the world are happy and joyous.
Yes, you’ve guessed it, as a true alcoholic, I am revelling in my own misery, and even as I write, I am starting to cheer up.
Who knows what the rest of the day will bring, but in the meantime, may I wish all my dear readers a very merry Christmas, and don’t be miserable like me – enjoy yourself, even if it hurts!!