Today I have been sober for 114 days.
As I advised in my last blog, Thai Visa have requested that I move my blog to another host.
So I have now moved to WordPress, and I have recently registered a new domain name:
My understanding is that Thai Visa will continue to host my blog for another week or so, and after they close down, I believe that anyone clicking on my old website (mobi.thailand.nu) will automatically be redirected to the new site.
As Thai Visa were using WordPress software on their blog sites, there will be minimal change in the layout, although WordPress do have literally thousands of ‘layout’ choices, and when I have more time, I may find something a little more exciting in due course.
Now what’s been going on? Well nothing very exciting. As previously reported, my girlfriend moved out last Friday, and since then I have been alone and trying to get used to the idea of ‘living with myself’. This is not easy as I have had a ‘live in’ female companion for nearly all of my adult life, and I suppose this helps to explain why I rushed precipitously and disastrously into another relationship so soon after I had left my wife.
Since Friday, I have been home most of the time, sorting out and changing things around in the condo, and doing I know not what. I didn’t even make any AA meetings for 3 days in a row. I have not been sleeping at all well, rarely dropping off before 4 a.m, and when my alarm went off at 7.30 I just couldn’t move as I felt so ill. I assumed this was due to lack of sleep , but couldn’t really understand it as in the past I have had little problem dealing with sleepless nights. Then yesterday, once more I felt terrible, and suddenly realised that it wasn’t lack of sleep that was making me feel so bad but a ‘hypo’. It was a Hypoglycemic attack – I was suffering from very low blood sugar.
Getting a ‘Hypo’ is one of diabetic’s greatest fears as it can put you into a coma which, if not treated immediately can lead to brain damage and also death. Hypos are caused by an excess of insulin in the blood, which occurs when a diabetic takes too much medication. This may happen when, unknown to himself, a diabetic already has slightly low blood sugar levels before taking a regular, scheduled dose of insulin. This must have been so in my case, as I inject insulin before each meal, and another ‘long acting’ dose before sleeping. The symptoms for a hypo occurring , are varied, and can change over time, so I mistakenly thought that my lack of sleep was the cause of my problems, when in fact it was my low blood sugar. When I tested my blood yesterday morning, I found that my blood sugars were indeed dangerously low and could have easily put me into a coma. I immediately took remedial action by swallowing a number of high sugar liquids and food to get my sugar levels back up again.
As I get older, I find that the after effects of ‘hypos’ leave me feeling very weak and mentally listless, and it takes me a few hours before I am back to normal again.
Today, I finally made a meeting, despite yet again having only around 4 hours sleep, but this time, I was careful about my insulin dosage, after carefully checking my sugar levels. But today I have been feeling very depressed – it seems to happen when I am alone. During the meeting this morning, I became very maudlin and almost cried when my mind started to wander and I thought about the mess I have made of my life, and how so many people have taken advantage of me and have hurt me.
Then with Christmas only a few days away, I thought back over some of the terrible Christmases I have had through the years: from the days when I was a kid and my father would always blow up and make the whole family’s Christmas so desperately miserable, to the years with various wives who walked all over me and always seemed to choose Christmas to make my life even more unbearable than ever. Someone in the meeting this morning was talking about us getting together for a Christmas ‘brunch’ on Christmas morning, (after the meeting), but quite frankly the idea horrifies me. I am receding into my shell, and right now I have no desire to get together with a bunch of sober drunks and try to be merry and jovial make happy small talk.
I have to say I started to feel quite suicidal, but I think the moment passed. I don’t know. Sometimes I just wonder whether it is all worth the never ending effort, as whatever I try to do, it never seems to work out for me. Life is sometimes such a struggle, and maybe it is better just to give up.
I will try to fight it and soldier on.
MOBI’S STORY – (PART 24)
THE RETIREMENT YEARS (CONTINUED)
There was an uneasy peace between my wife and Samantha and me. Samantha was still staying with her boyfriend, but she would come by regularly to have a meal with us and collect some things. My wife would always try to lecture her on these occasions, but Samantha had adopted a ‘hard’ side to her and she wouldn’t take any more ‘shit’ from her mother, and gave as good as she got. It was quite revelation for me, as up to this point she had always been such a mild and compliant person as far as her mother was concerned.
I too was changing. I was no longer in fear and dread of Noi, and like Samantha, I started to assert myself and talk back to her when she came on too strong. But for the most part, I still kept my own counsel, for I didn’t wish to stir things up too much in advance of my ‘big plan’.
I recall that my drinking during this period was getting progressively heavier. I had slipped into the habit of going into the conservatory in the afternoon and writing my book for a few hours, before turning on stereo very loud and start my nightly, solo drinking session. I would usually drink at least 2 bottles of wine, several beers and maybe a few large slugs of scotch and by around midnight I was pretty stoned, and had little trouble sleeping. In the meantime my wife would watch television alone in the lounge, and then retire to bed a couple of hours before I joined her, at which time she was invariably fast asleep. I don’t believe we had enjoyed any ‘relations’ for quite a long time and certainly not at all since we permanently moved to our new home.
As I slipped into this new routine, once again I became lulled into a false sense of ‘well being’ and started to wonder for the umpteenth time during the past twenty five odd years whether I hadn’t over reacted to my wife’s behaviour and should give the marriage another go.
But this dream was dashed one evening when Noi had a terrible row with Samantha, who took off in a flood of tears, and then Noi continued to ‘rubbish’ and blame my daughter for so many things, long after Samantha had departed. Noi even went so far as to blame all of us, but particularly Samantha, for making her (Noi) so unhappy and that we were all so heartless, and selfish. What she said that night was truly terrible, and I cannot even begin to repeat exactly what she said, even in this blog, but I will never forget it as long as I live.
It was the final straw.
I have no recollection exactly how I managed to swing it, but somehow or other I had managed to persuade my wife to let me go to Thailand ten days ahead of her for our summer holidays. In retrospect, it is remarkable that she actually agreed to it, but being the typical control freak that she was, she probably thought that she could continue to control me, even from the other side of the world. Actually, I think it was some obligations that my wife had back in England that prevented her from leaving earlier, but whatever the reason, it was my big opportunity to put my plan into action.
It must be difficult for people who have not been under the ‘control’ of a man or woman, to understand the sheer terror of those who are dominated. During my marriage, my wife had fought and intimidated neighbours twice her size, had chased her own mother from our home in fear and dread, and committed other unspeakable acts. But it was the threats of what she might do which were the worst of all. She used to tell me that if I ever stepped out of line she would go down to my office in the city and make so much trouble that she would totally embarrass me in front of all my staff, and do her best to ensure I lost my job. I honestly believe to this day that she would have done it, should the ‘justification’ have arisen. There were all manner of other threats as well as her daily mental bullying, which conspired to keep us permanently under her thumb.
So if I was to leave her, and if I was to be able to take most of my personal possessions with me, it had to be planned with military precision – and it was.
So I went to Thailand as planned. Noi drove me to Heathrow, and dropped me off. I was terrified that she would smell a rat at the last moment and stop me from going, or decide to come with me after all. She did realise that something was not quite right and challenged me on it when we were at the airport. She seemed to sense that I was not my normal self, but couldn’t really put her finger on it. Anyway, probably against her better judgement, she let me go and that was that.
I flew to Thailand, was met by my father- in -law who drove me to our house in Bang Saen. I stayed a couple of nights before announcing that I was going off to Bangkok for a few days. I went to Bangkok and used my friend’s computer to get ‘on-line’ with my banks and start moving all my money and investments out of the joint accounts and the accounts in her name only into accounts in my name only. The amounts involved were pretty large and I was extremely nervous that something may go wrong and the banks may call my home, and ask my wife to verify the transfers. Anyway this was in the days before 9/11, and the banks weren’t as ‘touchy’ as they would have been today.
I had no intention of cheating my wife; the investments were only in her name for tax purposes, but I wanted to negotiate a settlement with her from a position of strength – i.e. with me controlling the money, not her.
After I had arranged all this without a hitch, I briefly went back to bang Saen and made up a story to my in-laws to the effect that I had to return to Bangkok for medical appointments. While I was there, I took the opportunity to pack some personal things that I had stored there, and returned to Bangkok.
Then, about a week later, I received a nasty shock. My wife sent me an email. She said that she had just received a credit card bill which showed a charge for a hotel in Phuket. She was absolutely furious and accused me of going to Phuket without her permission, and that I was obviously up to something no good. She said that she was extremely upset, and as a result she had decided to cancel her flight to Thailand, and would ‘have it all out with me’ when I returned home.
I was devastated. I didn’t understand the hotel charge from Phuket. I had told her I would be going to Bangkok for few days to catch up with some friends, but if the credit card bill was showing a hotel in Phuket, how could I convince her that it was a mistake? She would never believe me – she obviously thought I was down in Phuket with some lady.
Now that she had decided not to come to Thailand, all my plans were laid to waste and I would never have another opportunity to get away from her, because surely after this, she would never let me out of her sight again.
What on earth was I to do?