Today I have been sober for 107 days.
Yesterday I received a brief ‘business’ email from Bob in which he mentioned that he hadn’t been in touch with Dave for several days. So I decided to call Dave’s lady, to check on what was happening with him. She told me that Dave was currently on his way back from the hospital after a check–up, and that they had both had a few beers that morning. (Dave’s Lady is also a ‘sober alcoholic’). I asked her if Dave had been drinking regularly but I couldn’t get a straight answer, so I guess the answer was in the affirmative. She asked me when I was coming to Bangkok as she was planning to go to her home in the south of Thailand on 26th December, and he would be very ‘vulnerable’ over New Year. I was in the process of telling her that I would not be coming, when she announced that Dave had just arrived back home and would I speak to him? I told her that I would not talk to him – not until he stopped drinking, and we concluded the conversation.
So that was that, and we’ll see how things develop over the next few weeks.
I have been feeling a bit ‘shaky’ of late, especially when I was in the middle of my dilemma as how to deal with Dave and Bob, and there were a number of times when I nearly decided :“fck..it,”and go out and lay one on.
I thought I had got over that little episode, but now this problem with my ‘live in’ is bothering me, and once more I am feeling like taking a drink. It seems that every time that I have an emotional or ‘difficult’ situation to deal with, my thoughts go immediately to solving (or forgetting) the problem with alcohol. I guess after forty odd years of using alcohol as a ‘crutch’ , it is a difficult habit to break.
Yesterday I resolved to talk to her after I returned home from my morning meeting. I got home, sat down, went over in my mind a dozen times what I was going to say – then I ‘chickened out’. I decided to postpone it. This lack of “balls” has put me in a permanent state of depression, and yesterday afternoon I went out and visited one of my alcoholic friends at his house, in East Pattaya, not far from where I used to live. It was about 4.30 p.m. when I arrived, and as ever, he was already half pissed – a bottle of beer on one side of him, and a very large glass of red wine on the other side. We caught up on all the ridiculous gossip and he updated me on all the happenings at the local bars which I hadn’t visited since I left my wife, some time ago.
I told him about my failed attempts to get rid of my girl friend, and we had some good laughs about my predicament and things in general. I started to unwind, and when he replenished his glass of wine, I came within an ace of telling him to pour me one as well. I thought: “what the hell? No one will know.”
Then I knew that if I did take that drink, I probably wouldn’t stop for many days, and everyone would know. And what is more, my sponsor would be very unhappy, and I really didn’t want to upset him, as he has been such a dear, supportive friend.
It probably wasn’t the best of reasons for not taking a drink, but any reason that works is probably O.K. and I resisted. Slowly, that burning desire to drink started to ease.
Today I shared what happened yesterday at my morning meeting, so at least I have got it off my chest.
I still don’t think I am out of the woods. Drinking is still very much on my mind, and I still haven’t gathered the courage to break the news to the young lady. She hasn’t really done anything wrong, and has been quite good to me, and as I have related before, in many ways she has some very good character traits.
But being of good character does not a relationship make.
She is too young, she doesn’t have any feelings for me, (I can sense it), she is making me unhappy, and of course she is only really in it for the money.
I am not ready for any kind of relationship – I know it now, and I just want to be alone.