Jomtien, 1st December, 2009

Today I have been sober for 93 days.


Yesterday was not a good day.


I am still preoccupied with Dave’s situation, and I know that it is not doing me any good.


Yesterday morning I called Dave’s ‘ex’ and found that she was still there. In fact at the time I called she said to me, in English, “Yes, I am still here, and I am cleaning up all the piss and shit in his bedroom!”


I asked if he was still drinking, and she replied in the affirmative and said at the moment he was in the toilet where she had helped him to stagger to a few minutes earlier.


She asked me why Dave had lost control of his bodily functions and why was he shitting so much? I had no idea, but said that I would call his doctor and try to find out.


It transpired that the doctor had gone to Chiang Mai and Dave’s ex then called me in the afternoon and said that she needed Bob’s mobile number in Australia as Dave wanted to call him.


I asked her if Dave wanted to call me, and she said: “No he is too scared to call you”. Anyway I gave her Bob’s number, and an hour or so later I was “text chatting” to Bob on Skype when he told me that Dave was on the phone. Bob spoke to Dave for about thirty minutes. Dave was completely drunk and barely coherent. He was crying and apologising and said that he needed help. He told Bob that he expected to die and said that he wanted to call me. I passed back the message, via Bob,  that I would not speak to him as long as he was drunk.


This may sound harsh, but on every previous occasion that I have spoken to him when he was drunk, he has subsequently had no recollection of the conversation, and certainly no recollection of anything that was discussed. So it is a complete waste of time.


Bob reiterated to Dave essentially the same thing that I had told him, and when Dave tried to call me later in the day – three times – I did not answer the phone, but sent him an sms which said:


“Hi Dave, I know you tried to call me but I cannot talk to you when you are drunk. When you are sober, please call me back and I promise to   answer the phone and chat to you. Please stop drinking. We all love you but you must stop now. Take care, Mobi.”


Last night I read the “Big Book” in bed, hoping for inspiration, but as I read the chapter entitled “More about Alcoholism” the more I read, the more I wanted to take a drink. I finally put the book down, but my musings about Dave and his condition also made me want a drink, but I did nothing further about these feelings and eventually drifted off to sleep.


I heard nothing more yesterday, and today I went to my regular morning AA meeting. I said nothing more about my problems with Dave and the meeting attendees discussed the twelfth step, which says:


“Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”


One of the senior and highly respected members of our group shared to the effect that our prime duty as recovering alcoholics is to carry the MESSAGE to other alcoholics, and not to carry the ALCOHOLICS. Our job was to pass the message along whenever and wherever we could, and it was up to the receivers of the message as to whether they heeded it and acted upon it. The sharer was not directing his words of wisdom to me, but I felt that it fitted in very well with what was happening with Dave and me, and that I was right to leave him alone to make the decision on whether he was ready to accept the help of AA. As you can imagine, I am still having nightmares and attacks of conscience regarding my chosen course of action.


I called Dave’s lady after my meeting and she said that he was still drinking and still in a very bad state, possibly getting worse. Then in the afternoon she called me back to say that she had just got home from taking Dave to hospital. He had started vomiting on top of all his other medical problems, and he had allowed his lady to take him back to the ICU. She told me that he had his phone next to him and that I could call him. I said that I would wait until tomorrow as it was no use talking to him when he was still drunk, and now clearly very ill.


Dave’s Lady then told me that Dave’s sister-in-law had called, obviously in response to my call to his brother a couple of days ago. I haven’t mentioned previously that Dave’s brother has had Parkinson’s disease for most of his life and is severely handicapped. His wife, Dave’s sister-in- law, is not too crazy about Dave, to put it lightly and considers him a drunken bum who is a blight on her husband’s family. (Maybe not too far from the truth).


Anyway, Dave’s brother must have been very concerned about him following my call a couple of days ago, so he must have asked his wife to call, or maybe he just told his wife, and she took it upon herself to call. Anyway, Rob told his sister-in-law that he was not drinking, and then passed the phone over to his ‘ex’ and asked her to lie  and confirm that he was sober.  The poor lady was intimidated, duly complied and lied to Dave’s sister-in-law. Then later she told me what had happened over the phone, and said that she felt very bad for lying.


It is a nasty and nefarious web that these alcoholics weave, not only destroying themselves, but also entrapping all those who are nearest and dearest to them in their lies and deceipt.


Later I received an sms from Bob in Australia informing of what I already knew – that Dave was in hospital. He suggested we chat when I got home, but most unusually, when I arrived home at 7 p.m. Bob was not logged into Skype, and I could not get hold of him.  I sent him an sms but he hasn’t replied. I hope he is Ok and nothing is wrong.


I have also called Dave’s lady but she hasn’t answered her phone, even though she said I could call her any time of the day or night.


I have an uneasy feeling about all this. I hope that I am wrong.


(Update – I am wrong. All is well with Bob, although I still haven’t heard from Dave’s ‘ex’ this evening. Bob has spoken to Dave twice today, and I will recount what transpired tomorrow.)


Today I had a number of errands to run in the afternoon, but the most important was a meeting with an agent as at long last I have the go ahead to put my house on the market. I had met with him on a couple of previous occasions when I thought I might be almost ready to sell. So he was already very familiar with the property and knew the builder and admired then quality of his work. I have set up a provisional appointment for the agent to visit the house tomorrow and meet with my wife and my intermediary to familiarise himself more with the details, take some photos, and agree an initial sale price.


I know this is going to be a very long haul, and I will probably end up having to accept a greatly reduced price, but at least the process has started and the wife seems to be on board.  According to my intermediary, the wife has been “all business” at the meetings she has held with her, and also that she has accepted that the marriage is over and it is time for both of us to move on.


Fingers crossed.


Tomorrow I hope to get back to Mobi’s Story – The Retirement Years.