My name is "Mobi"; I'm an alcoholic

The “Home” page is my daily blog. The remaining tabs contain previously blogged, episodic ‘stories’, which are now re-published in chronological order.

Jomtien, 28th June, 2010. Still sober

I spent yesterday evening in my condo with a lady who came around to see me in the afternoon.

She watched Thai TV in the lounge while I started to watch the football in my bedroom. After the first goal I decided to watch some old “Seinfeld” TV episodes instead to cheer me up, and every few minutes I would switch back to the football to check England’s descent into ignominy.

It seemed like every time I checked, Germany had scored another goal. At first I sort of took it in my stride and kept laughing at Kramer and George and Elaine’s crazy antics, but after the fourth German goal, it was difficult to even raise a smile.

I am not a fanatical football supporter, but I have been a Tottenham (“Spurs”) supporter for over fifty years and used to watch them regularly when I lived in England. So I know what disappointment and despair is all about.

I also attended that famous Euro-cup football match at the old Wembley in 1996 when England were beaten by Germany on penalties.

On that occasion, I was so devastated, because England still actually played half way decent football in those days, and didn’t deserve to lose. I remember wandering the streets of North London all night, emotionally drained from the experience, and resolved to never again let myself get so involved in what after all, is only a game of football.

And so it has been the case. I rarely watch ‘nerve tingling’ matches, be they club or internationals, as I just don’t want to have that kind of emotional experience again. It may lead me to a drink and that would be crazy.

Anyway, I knew England would lose. They have played appallingly, and well done Germany for showing us how it should be done.

The lady didn’t work out too well, (You see, even Mobi can’t get it right every time!), and left early this morning.

Today I met a couple of very interesting ladies.

I plan to meet up with them again later on tonight and spend the  evening together.

I will report back in due course.

The “Home” page is my daily blog. The remaining tabs contain previously blogged, episodic ‘stories’, which are now re-published in chronological order.

Jomtien, 27th June, 2010.

Here is “Rebel’s” comment to today’s blog, and my response thereto.

I get the impression you resent being taken for your money. It seems being judged by your readers regarding your sexual conquest/preference may be a sore spot, since you devoted more than half of today’s blog to the concept. When I read your writings it seems how much, how often and how young is a common theme. You also speak often of the depression while sobering up and sleeping alone that you seem to resent too. The longer you remain sober the more pronounced your resentments may materialize. Because you do not seek revenge doesn’t not mean you are resentment free is my only point Mobi.

Glad to see you’re sober and enjoying your wicked ways! Vitamin V has made many of men legends in our own minds.

I don’t think you get why people think sin city is the wrong environment to wage the battle on the bottle. Its not the pussy, it’s the alcohol in the bars where the pussy trade is conducted that is your Achilles heel.

Many of these women use drink/drug as a coping skill too?

The amount or age of pussy one gets does not in it self make a person good or bad. It is how you treat the owner of that pussy(Drunk or sober) that determines your level of humanity. I have never met an alcoholic without a degree of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality disorder.

You would know better than I as to the sexual nature of Thai bargirls. It appears you paint all Thai women with the same broad brush in my humble opinion.

Good Luck and Stay Sober Mobi!

And my response:

Rebel, I appreciate all your comments but sometimes I think you are in danger of over- analysing my ramblings.

I don’t often write about the details of my sexual encounters and my views on the sex trade and Thai prostitutes. In fact it is the first time in this blog – ever – that I have gone into any kind of detail on this subject. I just decided it was worth a few paragraphs, as my behaviour seems to have bothered a few of the ‘holier than thou’ brigade lately, so I thought it would be an idea to put my point of view, based on may years of observation and experience.

Don’t forget I speak pretty good Thai and that in itself often gives me special insight as to what motivates these women and what they are thinking and doing.

Often, they tell me these things of their own volition, once I gain their confidence and they regard me as a “Thai’ friend.

Of course I generalised – which I accept is always a bit dangerous, and there many women out there who do not fit the stereotypes that I have written about. It is actually quite a complex subject, and frankly, is a subject that is written about ‘ad nauseam’ on internet forums, the net in general and is even the subject of dozens of novels and short stories. It is for this reason I rarely express my views on this or write much about it.

I have no great desire to get into a protracted debate about the Thai sex industry or Thai whores and what motivates them. I know what I know, and that is that.

I admit that right now the Thai sex industry is the background of much of my activities here, but much more so since I discovered my wife was cheating on me. For the first 4 years of my marriage i was totally faithful, and for most of the 26 years of the marriage before that, I was faithful.

I don’t care whether you believe it or not, but I am not a bad man, I treat every girl, regardless of job or background with total respect, and I am very kind and good to them. Even bar managers/owners/ mama-sans have told me how much they appreciate the way I treat their girls.

And no – I never resent any money I give to any girl for any purpose. They are very welcome to it and I never regret it. They all need it more than I do.

I was only upset with Tan over her attitude and the fact that she never gave me, in my opinion, a fair shake of the dice. I don’t regret what I did for her. I know I got drunk and said a few bad things, but for 99% of the time, I was very, very good, kind and tolerant with her and virtually let her do anything she desired.

But that is all history, and I really don’t regret it. It was good while it lasted and I wish her luck. She is still a nice lady, and maybe one day we can be friends.

Since my last marriage broke up I admit I have become an addict to both sex and booze. It is a stage I am going through and I will eventually kick both addictions. In the mean time my life is what it is.

I will deal with the booze addiction first, and somewhere along the line I will find a nice lady to settle down with and I will stop or curtail my nightly activities and do something more useful with my life.

It will happen – that is for sure.

It’s just a matter of time.

BTW I completely understand the connection between booze and the ladies who work the bars; where the only thing that is sold, apart from sex, is booze. It is a dangerous combination. I accept that.

BTW/BTW I’m sure you will find this difficult to believe also, as even my friends don’t believe me, but I never use Viagra or any other similar drug. I just don’t need to.

Maybe one day……

Yes folks I’m still sober, but as most of you know by now, it’s far too early to get carried away.

Haven’t been doing anything very exciting and it is now 3 p.m. and I am at home – alone.

I have not yet returned to AA meetings, although I do intend to do so eventually, but have been concentrating on working through the AA 12 step programme with my new sponsor.

I met him in Pattaya, but he has since returned to USA so we have daily meetings around noon on the internet which can sometimes last well over two hours.

It has been hard going and I have been giving my sponsor a very hard time. I almost lost him a couple of days back when he insisted that I use certain forms for my 4^th Step work and which I refused to use.

It is becoming apparent that I am not your everyday alcoholic, and although in many ways I fit quite well into the ‘alcoholic mould” or stereotype,  in other ways I am not very typical.

In particular, the Big Book states that ‘resentment’ is one of the main problems facing most alcoholics, and if he/she can make list of them, examine them and come to terms with them, then it will go a long way to helping them on their way to sobriety.

I have never been a resentful person.

Angry? Yes. Am I sad about people who have wronged me? Yes. Do I bear resentment? No. Do I plan revenge? No.

I explained to my sponsor that the main source of past resentment was my father, but in recent years I have come to realise that he was a victim of his circumstances and upbringing, and he probably had no idea how much his behaviour hurt me and shaped me. In his own way, I believe he loved me, and these days I bear no resentment towards him, only sadness at what might have been.

My sponsor seems to have a problem accepting that this is truly the case with me as most alcoholics are simply overflowing with resentments.

He gave me an example of one of his own, current resentments and I told him that if it was me in that position I would not have borne resentment, I would have dealt with it, and suggested a number of courses of action on how to deal with the person who was creating his resentment.

So the debate went back and forth for over two hours and in the end I think I got the point across. However, I am sure I do bear some resentments and will try to identify them and deal with them in tomorrow’s ‘meeting’.

The next section is X Rated, so if you don’t want to read about the Thai sex industry, bar girls, sex and  related matters then please skip it.

Now to the much discussed, much written about subject of Thai whores and age differences, as there have been many adverse and uncomplimentary comments about my behaviour and the ‘sin city’ in which I reside.

Let’s get one thing clear. Prostitution has been endemic in Thailand long before foreigners came here in droves to sample the now world-famous feminine delights.

There is barely a village in the whole of Thailand that doesn’t have a massage parlour and/or a karaoke bar (i.e. a brothel) tucked away somewhere in the back streets. Every town in Thailand has literally hundreds of short time rooms where the locals take their prostitutes.

The Thai sex industry for Thai men was going on long before the GI’s came to Thailand back in the 60’s and it is even more prevalent today than ever before, due to the comparative increase in the standard of living, even amongst simple villagers.

farangs have no idea of their existence of these sex establishments because, of course, they cannot read Thai and have no idea that the building they are walking or driving past in ‘Nakhon Nowhere’ is either a brothel or a short time motel.

When I was recently in roi et with wan, she showed me so many buildings and bungalow complexes that were actually short time rooms that even I was amazed at the number.

Farangs did not bring prostitution to Thailand and even today the sex activities engaged in by foreigners  probably only constitutes a small percentage of the total sex industry.

Why is Thailand such a proliferate sex destination?

It’s very difficult to say, but there is no doubt that it is partly due to the beauty and sexual allure of such a high percentage of the women, and also – and I am sure I will get flack for stating this – but the amorality of the women themselves, many of whom are very highly sexed. Of course there is sexual exploitation and human trafficking – but this occurs far more in the ‘Thais only’ sex industry than the ‘farang’ sex industry sector.

The fact remains that these days, so many of these women do have a choice. This country is becoming quite wealthy and anyone who wants to do an honest day’s work can find a job.

But working in a bar or a massage parlour or karaoke is much easier and pays a lot more money. One pretty girl in a family can keep the rest of them in rice, whisky and beer without the family having to lift a finger. All the girl has to do is open her legs, and whether you like it or not, most are perfectly happy to do this, and a very high percentage crave it as they are very highly sexed.

Last night I was watching the football in what I would describe as one of the more ‘respectable’ pubs – no groping or kissing, just a few decently dressed bar girls who would sit with you if you wanted, and would even go home with you if they liked you and you wanted them to.

They all knew me quite well, but I had never slept with any of them. Three of them came over to where I was sitting and wouldn’t leave me alone. They insisted on groping me (yes I was being demeaned) and complained that they hadn’t had a customer in days and were feeling very horny. I tried to get rid of them – truly – as I wanted to watch the football, but they wouldn’t go.

In the end two of them offered to go with me for free because they were so horny and wanted a fuck. I politely declined.

This sort of things happens to me frequently. Once a girl knows you can satisfy their urges, ( and believe me after a lifetime of poor performances I have now learnt the control and the skills required to do just that), they often beg me to take them.

The cynics amongst you will say it is just about money. Of course it is about money – that is what they are there for – but I have had many a girl who has called and come to see me of her own volition and never charged me a penny piece, once they know what I can do for them.

I am not saying this to brag. I am telling you this because it is a fact, and no one in Thailand has done more research into this subject than Mobi. Many Thai girls love big farang penises – the bigger the better. I have known girls have an orgasm just by grabbing my dick for a few minutes.

It always makes me laugh when I meet an old flame and ask her if she has missed me. Often they say they haven’t missed me but they have missed my dick!

The point of all this is to try and get across the fact that so many of these girls love what they are doing. It is easy, good money and they have a ball. Yes, sometimes they have a bad customer, but trust me, most of them are more than capable of dealing with bastards out there.

So what possible harm am I doing by engaging their services and being very generous to them. They are happy I am happy and IMHO no one is being demeaned. We are all there because we want to be.

I have met so many girls who used to work in factories, hotels offices etc, but they changed to whoring because, by their own admittance it was better money for far less work.

I know girls who have boyfriends back in Europe who send them regular, quite adequate money to live on, but they still work the bars, mainly because they enjoy the lifestyle.

So many Thai girls are amoral – as was my last wife Dang. Many married Thai women will go out with their friends for the night and end up sleeping with strange men – Thais and farangs. Not all, of course, but so many you would be amazed. They just love fucking and they don’t give a shit. They don’t even think they are doing something bad.

The Thai men are just as bad – if not worse. As soon as their ‘wife’ has a baby, they dump them and move on. They never wear condoms and often give their women AIDS. Many are ‘carriers’. They don’t develop AIDS but infect many women.

Thailand is a very amoral, sexually ‘deviant’ society. It always has been and probably always will be and European prudes, with their Victorian morals, really have no place here.

Now to age differences.

Why is it that famous men can marry women a fraction of their age and no one bats an eyelid?

Rupert Murdoch, Michael Douglas, Larry King (married 6 times), Woody Allen, Billy Joel, Geraldo Rivera, Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Howard Stern… The list is endless. The age gaps range from over 20 to over forty years. It’s ok for them, but not Ok for Mobi.

In Victorian England it was quite normal for a wealthy man in his late fifties to choose as his bride a lady in her late teens or early twenties.

Even amongst Thais it is very common for wealthy elderly Thai men to marry young Thai women.

Some societies -, western and Asian, past and present, accept large age differences with equanimity.

Here in Pattaya, you can sit in Carrefour any day of the week and watch the elderly Europeans with their young Thai wives, often with babies in prams, or young kids walking with them. What is wrong with it? Both parties benefit. The girl is able to look after her family and often kids by a previous relationship and the man gets comfort and someone to take care of him in his old age. If both parties are happy with the arrangement who are we to say he is a paedophile or a dirty, perverted old man?

There must be hundreds of thousands, if not millions of older men all over the world who sit at their computer, committing sex acts while watching young beautiful Asian girls performing all manner of calisthenics.  Most of them would give their right arm, (or maybe their left), to be here, in Pattaya.

If I am addicted to PUSSY, then I am no different to any other hot blooded male whose hormones are still flowing.

If I am addicted to young pussy – that is because I have been spoiled. Once you have had all this young pussy around you – nothing else will suffice. I couldn’t even consider a European women – let alone one over 40.

There, I have spoken openly and frankly. I know I am not a good person but at least I am honest.

If I can find the right ‘live-in’ lover, I will be honest, kind and faithful. Until then I will indulge my pleasures – hopefully while remaining sober.

Just logging in to report that I am still sober and feeling pretty good, all things considered.

I have been out for most of the day doing this and that and have only just returned home.

I will try to write a proper blog tomorrow, if I have time, but I do have a few things to do, so I can’t promise for sure.

Regardless, I will at the very least do another blog like today’s.

Thanks to everyone for reading my blog and thanks for all the comments. I do appreciate all of them, even though it might not always appear to be that way.

My mood swings also include anger swings, and my  new sponsor, who is based on the other side of the world, felt the full brunt of my anger yesterday.

I have since offered an apology, which he has gracefully accepted, but he has suggested that I put him on my list of resentments.  (You can see why I need to have a sponsor who is not too close to me!)

Good night for now.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty down, not helped by some pretty moronic comments that a few people decided to make on my blog.

Why people get pleasure out of insulting others is totally beyond me. All I can say is that if I am a fucking jerk, a fucking loser, a stalker, a person who demeans women and so on, then the people who post such comments are even lower down in the depths of human garbage than I am.

Since when is it a crime to try and find out what your wife is up to when you are still cohabitating with her, or to go and find out what your ex girl friend is up to after she walked out on you for no good reason?

Stalking? I think not. Yes I used the word ‘stalking’ in my blog but for anyone to take it literally just shows what a fucking toss pot they must be. (I’ve got that off my chest now).

As for drink driving – well a lot has been written about this in my blog. I totally accept that it is wrong. I feel terrible that I have done it and have tried my best and am continuing to try my best to do something about it.

Attacking me is preaching to the converted. What about all those thousands of farangs and millions of Thais who couldn’t give a fuck who they kill when they are drunk? Target them, not me.

Right now I am not drinking so the subject is off the agenda.

Last night, as I felt so down, I decided to go out and demean a few women, as I thought it might cheer me up.

My first port of call was a bar on 3^rd Road which I hadn’t been to in many months. Some of the girls there recognised me and one particularly lovely, sexy coyote dancer came over to say hello and sat down at the table next to me.

I could tell that she was waiting for me to demean her, but I resisted for quite a while. In the end I gave in and demeaned her by burying her a drink, whereupon I demeaned her even more by letting her wiggle her semi naked arse against my crotch.

Then I demeaned her with a second drink and let her demean herself even more by putting her arms around me and kissing me. She begged me to demean her even further by paying a bar fine and taking her home, but I decided she had been demeaned quite enough for one day and politely declined.

I did however demean her a little bit more by leaving her a generous tip before departing.

Thence to a go-go bar in Soi Bukow.

A pretty little waitress sat down next to me and asked me about my broken wrist and she told me she had recently broken her forearm, and we shared humorous stories of how hard it is to shower, clean one’s arse and generally get on with life with only one hand. I knew she wanted to be demeaned with a drink, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. She was too nice.

As there weren’t any other girls queuing up to be demeaned by the famous Mobi, I paid my bill and left.

I had heard that the number of punters in Walking Street was at dire levels, so thought it might be an idea to make one of my rare forays down there and check it out for myself.

The first familiar bar I went to was in the throes of a noisy brawl between some drunken, naked female dancers (who had obviously been over-demeaned) and some even more drunken farangs – English I would assume judging from their football shirts.

It was a regular riot and no one was interested in Mobi demeaning them so I moved on to another of my occasional ‘regulars’ bars. (a contradiction in terms, but what the….).

Sure enough, the place was full of lovely dancing girls, some of whom were demeaning each other with soap suds whips and other demeaning instruments, but the place was totally devoid of customers.

These lovely girls were desperate to be demeaned, so what else could I do but oblige their wicked yearnings?

Actually it all started when they decided to demean Mobi. I was horrified! How dare these young, naked, near-virgins do nasty things with their hands and other parts of their body to this fine, upstanding example of an English gentleman?

And I hadn’t even demeaned them with a drink.

Well I was outnumbered and I clearly wouldn’t be allowed to escape without doing a bit of demeaning, so I spread a little of it around – five in all and we all had a wonderful demeaning, degrading, debasing, humiliating party.

Much dancing, massaging, body touching and other demeaning activities ensued and we had a riot.

It was 3.30 and I was saved by the bell.

More demeaning tips to the five lovely ladies and I made my way homewards.

Sober, but definitely uplifted by my heavy night of demeaning-ture. (new word).

I took a Xanax and slept from 4 a.m. till around 11 a.m.

Feel about 50% better today and I worked on my 4^th step resentment list and then went out to get my pc fixed.

More tomorrow…..

Well I blew her out.

It didn’t make any sense to let her come and live with me.

My past life is strewn with women who have stayed with me under similar circumstances and all of them have cost me so much in grief, guilt and invariably a lot of money, which as a result is now seriously depleted.

I don’t love Mam, she doesn’t love me, she is over 40 years younger than me, and she isn’t even that great in bed.

There are so many girls around. When I am ready to commit to a new relationship it shouldn’t be a major problem to find a suitable ‘candidate’.

I am not yet over Tan. I still think about her a lot and the only reason I want to shack up with a new young girl is to help me forget Tan. It will work to a certain extent, but the new relationship will collapse as it is based on the wrong emotions.

When I was trying to get over Dang last year I was looking for an older woman, and totally rejected anyone under 28.

Why?

Because I was looking for a Dang ‘lookalike’ as a replacement.

In fact I knew Tan for a year before I became serious about her. I even took her out for dinner once or twice but decided against seeing her again because she was too young!!

Somewhere along the line, my love for Dang died and Tan became available so I ignored my reservations about her age. Anyone who knows Tan would confirm that her general demeanour is more like a 30 year-old than a 22 year old. I was truly surprised when she told me how young she was.

So I am still in love with Tan and looking for another young girl to take her place. It is stupid and I realise it now. Mam’s demeanour is more like that of an 18 year old. She is really just a kid, and behaves like one.

So that is that. No more headlong rushes into new relationships

I don’t feel great today. It seems that my days alternate between quite upbeat and fairly downbeat. Last night I took a Xanax and slept just after midnight, and woke at 10 this morning. It was a very long sleep but I woke feeling depressed. I am not sure about this Xanax. Tonight I will not take one and see how I feel tomorrow.

I have just finished reading F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel: “Tender is the night”.

Fitzgerald writes beautifully. He is truly one of the all time giants of English literature and his command of the novel genre is breathtaking. If I had just 5% of his talent I would be eternally grateful.

Tender is the Night is about a time and a way of life that is long gone. But it is every bit as relevant in its examination of human nature and human behaviour as if it had been written today.

It is about the indolent rich, living their aimless, dissipated, self indulgent lives on the French Riviera. It spans the decade following the end of the First World War.

I can draw many parallels between the indolent lifestyle described in the novel and the indolent lifestyle of those such as Mobi with too much money, too many easily available women and a propensity for alcohol.

Tender is the Night is about mental illness, love, hate, jealousy, hypocrisy, resentment, revenge, and so on; but most of all, in my humble opinion it is about the descent of the central character into alcoholism.

The novel is largely autobiographical and indeed it is difficult to see how even a great author like Fitzgerald could write about such a subject without being a sufferer himself. He certainly was and he died at a young age.

Tender is the Night is a very sad tale.

It relates the story of an intelligent, highly intellectual, handsome, charming man who was born with all the advantages that life has to offer. He marries a beautiful, rich woman who worships him, but over a ten year period he gradually degenerates into an alcoholic. The changes to his character at first are barely discernible, but over time he starts to lose all his friends, many of whom used to adore him and hang on his every word. Eventually, of course he loses the love of his wife and he ends up alone, impoverished and lost.

The understanding of an alcoholic in this tale, which was written over 80 years ago, is little short of uncanny. Even AA had yet to get into its stride, yet Fitzgerald clearly understands that some people can drink in moderation, and others can never stop.

Over 100 years earlier, another great author, Thomas Hardy, wrote similar tales on the effects of alcoholism.

It is a timeless subject and a timeless problem.

I am still praying, working on my fourth step and still sober.

More tomorrow.

Please click on any the above tabs to read previously blogged stories in chronological order.

Yes, I am still sober.

It’s been a funny old 24 hours.

After I wrote yesterday’s blog I decided to take a trip down to Bang Chang and say hello to a few old friends and maybe meet some new ones.

On my way there, I stopped at a computer repair shop owned by a Thai friend I have known for years. I hadn’t seen him for three months and he took one look at me and opened his eyes wide in amazement.

“Mobi! What’s happened to you?”

“Why?”

“I’ll tell you frankly. The last time I saw you, you looked about 45 years old. Now you look 75.”

I gave him a very brief summary of what had been going on lately. He already knew about my wife and her antics, and that I had left her.

He said: “Mobi, you shouldn’t be behaving like this. You don’t know what having really bad problems feels like. You don’t even have 5% of the life problems that I have!”

I looked at his earnest, concerned face, and I knew he spoke the truth.

For my friend is paraplegic – no legs since birth. He was brought up in an orphanage and has tried to carve out a life for himself, his wife and kids. It is quite amazing how he can get around without legs. He has tried so hard, but lately he has had little customer support for his computer repair business – his main customers being ‘cheap Charlie’ farangs who complain more than they thank him and pay him very little for his work. Then he borrowed money from the bank to build a house as an investment, but the slump came and he is stuck with the house and has to pay interest to the bank.

Yet he is so cheerful and positive.

A few years ago I asked him to help me put in a PC network at a Street Kids home that I was helping at. He turned up at the crack of dawn every day, before he opened his shop and put in the entire network free of charge. He refused to accept any payment.

I felt humbled.

We all moan and complain about the way so many Thais seem to treat us and regard us, yet day after day I am reminded that there some wonderful people in this country – some working and living in the most unlikely places and certainly with many more problems in their lives that I could ever imagine.

As someone said in a blog ‘comment’ the other day; ‘God loves a drunk’. Maybe God keeps putting these people into my path to try and get a message across.

I know that many of my readers are not in the least bit spiritual, but I will tell you that I am praying every day, particularly the 3^rd Step prayer of AA. I am so desperate, that I will try anything to keep off the booze and turn my life around.

I continued my journey to Bang Chang, suitably chastened, and during the drive, a revelation hit me. I suddenly realised that my face was red because I was sun-burnt! The white areas around my eyes which are covered by my glasses confirmed it. I was thinking back on my 24 hour binge and recalled that I was on the beach as dawn broke and was hanging around there all morning and into the afternoon, wandering along the beach, and staggering from bar to bar. I had clearly been in the sun for a long time.

I have a red patch at the top of my chest where my shirt was open, so this serves to confirm it. It doesn’t explain the red blotches on my shoulders and stomach which were covered, so maybe those are alcohol related, or maybe they are some kind of heat spots.

Today my face is not quite so red, and the blotches are ‘merging’ and fading, so I’m not going to worry about them too much.

I had a good time in Bang Chang and met some really lovely ladies – old and new. One particular lady was sexier, prettier and hornier, in a “Tan sort of fashion” but if Tan was an 8 out of 10, this one was a 10+ out of 10. Her body was truly incredible and I realised that I was crazy to yearn so much for Tan.

Most of the girls in Bang Chan are quite young, say 19 – 26, and very few of them have worked in Pattaya or indeed any other red light area before they came to Bang Chang. Most of them live together above their bars or in the nearby neighbourhood and they are all friends together.

Generally speaking the bar owners are very good to them and they  operate as “happy families”. Most have either come straight from their villages, or from the suburbs of Bangkok where they were working in factories etc.

They are still whores – no question and many of them are extremely horny. But there is an air of innocence about them that you rarely find in Pattaya, and many of them are very pretty. They are basically looking for husbands, but it is not easy as most of their customers are already married.

If they persevere they usually get there in the end and few of them work in Bang Chang for more than a year or so.

Another thing they all have in common is their absolute refusal to have anything to do with Thai men. Some have had bad experiences and been dumped with babies, but others have never even had affairs, but still don’t want to know about Thais as partners.

However there was one girl who I met briefly a couple of weeks ago – very pretty young thing who had a baby living with relatives in Bangkok. She gave me her phone number and told me that she would be going to Bangkok for the weekend to see her baby and would be back the following Tuesday. (This conversation occurred after she had returned to the bar from a ‘short time’ room upstairs, with a customer.)

Then the following Saturday, at 2.30 in the morning, I received a call from a Thai man asking me in Thai why my phone number was in his wife’s mobile phone. I explained that I didn’t know she was married. He wanted to know where I had met her, but I didn’t want to get involved so I rung off. He called me back six times before giving up.

Like a fool I was curious whether the girl would indeed return to work in Bang Chang on the Tuesday as promised, so on Tuesday I sent her a brief sms. Her husband called me on her phone and screamed blue murder at me. I knew the sms was a bad idea but just couldn’t resist sending it. I hung up – he kept calling, but I wouldn’t answer. Finally, about ten minutes later I received an sms;

“FUCK YOU!”

Oh well, I hope he can’t trace my number and I hope she is OK.

On this trip to Bang Chang I mentioned to the girl’s friends what had happened and they confirmed that she was married to a Thai man but that he treated her very badly and she preferred to ‘take care’ of farangs. She wanted to leave but couldn’t get her baby away from him .They said they thought she was returning on Thursday, so we will see.

I stuck to soda water, Diet Coke and orange juice. Very boring and all the ladies were so surprised. They tried and second guess what tipple I would order and couldn’t believe it when I adamantly refused any alcohol. Once they realised I was serious, they all congratulated me. They were very pleased for me as they all knew what a hopeless drunk I am.

So all in all, without turning this blog into an x rated piece of literature, I had a good time with some lovely ladies and returned to Pattaya around 7 p.m., just as the heavens were opening up.

Then I made a mistake.

I was hungry and decided to go and eat at the bar where Tan was back working. It was a crazy, perverse decision, but I reasoned that why should I have to avoid one of my favourite eating places, just because I was hung up on a whore who was working there? In any case I felt I was finally over her.

I used to do a similar thing when my wife Dang went on one of her disappearing tricks. I used to be convinced she was ‘holed up’ in Pattaya with some man and as I knew the hotels she often stayed at, I would prowl the car parks, waiting to catch a glimpse of her and be hurt out of my life.

It’s almost a ‘stalking’ mentality.

Anyway, thank God she wasn’t there, or she was hiding from me. Everyone behaved too nicely, and there seemed to be much whispering on mobile phones as soon as I arrived. It might have been my imagination, but I am sure something was going on and I found it all very unnerving. I put on my best ‘hail fellow well met’ act, ordered my food, forced it down and left as soon as I could.

But the experience had changed my mood completely.

Just being there brought back all the painful memories and I was terrified that at any moment Tan would arrive with a new boy friend.

I realised that I was far from over her and I was bloody crazy to go there.

It won’t happen again.

I continued my journey into Pattaya, stopping off at a few places where I had been chatting up girls – some were there, some weren’t.

My last port of call was the go-go bar in Jomtien where I had been chatting up a particularly pretty young 22 year old from Udon Thani. Her name is Mam and she speaks no English.

She had only been in Pattaya for 10 days and had previously been a singer at a Thai Night club in Bangkok. She hates her new job and refuses to take off her knickers when dancing so that the punters can fondle her.

A few days ago I offered to let her stay with me – mainly in jest. Last night she asked me if I was still serious about the offer. Of course I said yes.

This go-go bar is a crazy place. They can’t keep their women because they never have enough dancers and force the ones who are working to dance almost nonstop from 6 p.m to 3.30 and sometimes as late as 5 a.m. The girls get exhausted. They are not allowed to go out with customers until after 2 a.m. and even then the bar fine is 1000 Baht.

So the result is that most of the girls never stay more than a few weeks and they are always short staffed which perpetuates the problem. Most of them get so exhausted they don’t even hang around for their salary, which they know the owner will hold back for days after it is due.

I had taken Mam home with me once, ( I think l I blogged about it – at around 5 a.m., when I was pissed out of my mind). So last night I wasn’t about to stay until after 2 a.m. for the pleasure of paying another 1,000 Baht to the bastard owner.

We agreed that she would call me when she finished work at around 3 a.m. and I would go and pick her up from her room in Jomtien.

With that I went home, took a Xanax, put the phone next to my ear and crashed at midnight – sober.

I woke at 8 a.m. – somewhat disappointed that Mam wasn’t lying next to me. I checked my phone. No she hadn’t called. Ah well, not to worry, I’m not in love with her yet.

I was busy on my Computer when at noon she called. She told me that after work, she went to Walking Street with a friend and her phone battery was dead so she couldn’t call me. A likely story!

Anyway she wanted to meet me so I drove over to her room and picked her up and we did a bit of shopping, had a lovely lunch on the beach next to my condo. Right now she is fast asleep in my bed.

She says she will quit her job tonight and tomorrow she will come and stay with me.

I’m really not sure about this.

It’s a good idea because it will keep my mind off drinking and Tan.

Its a bad idea because she will probably turn out to be ‘less than perfect’ and I will have to get rid of her after forking out too much money which these days I really can’t afford to lose.

She will be going to work in an hour so I will have to make up my mind soon.

More tomorrow.

I managed to resist temptation and despite increasing depression, I stayed at home and continued to dry out.

At around 11 p.m., I took a Xanax tablet and must have fallen asleep by about 11.30.

I woke at 5.30 this morning, feeling very refreshed and my depression had lifted. I am unsure if this is due to the Xanax (which is an antidepressant/anti panic attack med) or because the alcohol had left my system, or a combination of both.

This is the second time that Xanax seems to have improved my mood, but it is worrying because I am aware it is very addictive. I always try to keep away from addictive drugs, as I have enough to cope with from my alcohol addiction.

Anyway, I arose with a new spirit of enthusiasm and tidied up the condo, washed up a whole mass of dishes and generally took care of tasks that had been neglected for days, if not weeks.

Unfortunately, although I feel pretty good, there is no sign of any improvement in my rashes or my bright red face.

So I went to see my doctor at the local clinic who has been pretty good in the past. This time I am not so sure he knew what he was talking about. I told him about my drinking binges but when I confirmed that I had no itching, he told me my condition had nothing to do with an excess of alcohol and was probably a virus. I really doubt he is correct, but as ever, he gave me some pills and we shall see.

Then I drove around and did a number of errands before coming back home.

I still feel pretty good, gulped down a sandwich and at this point in the day I have no desire or intention of taking a drink.

I’m sorry, I still can’t write too much. I am using my left hand and  one finger on my right hand but after a few minutes I get a lot of pain and have to stop. If I use my left hand only, it takes forever to complete the text.

Hopefully I will be able write more as the broken bones start to heal.

The “Home” page is my daily blog. The remaining tabs contain previously blogged, episodic ‘stories’, which are now re-published in chronological order.

Jomtien, 21st June, 2010.

Yes, it happened again. After I published my last blog on Saturday afternoon, I went out on a binge which didn’t end until late yesterday afternoon, when two young ladies from Soi 6 in Pattaya took me home after I passed out in their bar.

Why did I do it?

I don’t really know. Most nights I usually find a lady somewhere and eventually go home in the early hours and crash. If I reach a certain point in my drinking and I haven’t yet found a satisfactory companion, I just go over the tipping point and carry on drinking, wandering from bar to bar, getting drunker and drunker, still looking for a woman, but knowing I will never find one. I just cannot bear the idea of sleeping alone, and I am also scared of sobering up, because I know I will feel so sick.

I invariably end up on the beach when dawn is breaking and end up in the hands of the beach lady walkers who are all so kind to me. I think a lot of this is due to the fact that I can speak pretty good Thai and they can communicate with me in their own language. It is a miracle I haven’t ever been rolled.

I remember teaming up with 3 girls, but have little recollection of the hours that followed except that by noon I was drinking in Soi 6.

By this time I could barely stand but continued to wander from bar to bar, drinking as I went. Then I tried to pick a fight with the owner of one of the short time bars and was lucky that he didn’t have me done over, or worse. He must have decided it wasn’t worth his effort to do anything. After all, what harm can a drunken old fool like me do?

Sometime in the late afternoon I passed out in one of the bars, and two lovely ladies escorted me back home to Jomtien. They were scrupulously honest with my money and things and couldn’t have been nicer.

I slept fitfully around the clock from around 7 p.m. yesterday to midday today.

I woke up with no appetite, despite the fact I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours, and ugly red blotches all over my stomach, arms and shoulders. My face is bright red. Even more alarming is the fact that I have lost over 5 kilos in weight in 24 hours. I was 90 kilos, I am now about 84.5 kilos.

My blood sugars were very high, which is unusual for me after no food and a long drinking bout, so things are not what they should be.

After a bit of research, I have concluded that I lost so much weight because I became very dehydrated; this in turn has caused the skin problems, although it could also be some kind of an allergic reaction to the excess booze.

So I have been taking electrolytes with glasses of water, and have forced a bit of fruit and bread down my throat and hope that I can pull out of it. I may go to a doctor tomorrow if the rashes don’t start to recede.

It is now 7 pm so I have been free of alcohol for over 24 hours. I will try to make it through the night by taking a xanax tablet which was prescribed my surgeon and tomorrow I may feel a bit better.

In any event there is no way I can drink until my body goes back to its proper colour.

I know I am mentally sick. I seem to have used up all my remaining reserves of mental strength to finally leave Dang, and I just don’t have anything left to try and carve out a new life.

I am mentally exhausted with the effort and my obsessions (with Tan etc) are completely ridiculous.

In the past, as you can see from my story, I have had many setbacks, but have always managed to pull myself together and get on with life. This time it just seems to be an unattainable goal and I always end up drinking far too much, which then makes my depression worse and worse.

I am not making any promises, as those of you who have been following my blog will know that I always relapse, but there’s no harm in trying. If nothing else, just a few days off the booze will give my body some rest.

One of the little girls who took me home yesterday stayed with me all night. She didn’t speak a word of English and is such a pretty little thing with a lovely, bubbly nature.

When she left this morning, she said she wanted to tell me three things: firstly to stop drinking or it will kill me; secondly to start loving myself.  Then she said with a giggle that if I could achieve one and two then her third piece of advice was that I could love her as well.

This sage and humorous advice from such a young, badly educated farm girl, spoken to me in such a sweet innocent manner, made me cry.

You can find people with hearts of gold in the most unlikely places.

More tomorrow if I am still sober….

Please click on any the above tabs to read previously blogged stories in chronological order.

Well a week has dragged  by since I last blogged, and right now I have more pain than I have had for days.

I will try to update my faithful readers who are no doubt waiting with baited breath for the latest Mobi calamity, but I am not sure how long I can keep typing. So I’ll just play it by ear.

Firstly my wrist. It hasn’t been giving me too much grief as it has been immobilised in a fibreglass splint, and I have been using my left hand for everything, including wiping my arse!! It has been very tiresome, especially showering and shaving, but I have been managing surprisingly well.

Yesterday morning I had an appointment with the specialist, but I had been drinking nearly all night and didn’t crash until 5 a.m. (More of this later if my wrist holds out). So I missed the appointment and finally arrived at the hospital, late afternoon ad saw another specialist who had no previous knowledge of my medical history.

He got my post op x-ray up on screen and I was surprised to see a large metal T-shaped plate inserted in my wrist, with the top of the T across the wrist just below my palm and the ‘trunk’ of the T running about 2 inches down the centre of my wrist.

I asked the surgeon if the plate would remain the permanently, but he didn’t know. He said it might depend on the mobility of my wrist, but wasn’t sure of my surgeon’s intentions.

Not very encouraging, but it was my fault for missing the appointment.

They took the splint off and cleaned up the wound – a long scar running down the centre of my wrist. It looked ghastly and when I looked at it I broke out in a sweat and almost fainted. I’ve always been a coward when it comes to looking at my own bloody injuries. Then they re-dressed it and gave me thick leather type wrist ‘sleeve’ which wraps around my wrist and is held together with Velcro straps so I can remove it when I wash, etc.

I’m not convinced I am ready for this new support because ever since I have been wearing it I have had a lot of pain – the reason  is, (I think), because  my wrist is no longer completely immobilised and every time I move it I get stabs of pain. I also seem to have a permanent background ache.

I am supposed to go back in two weeks, but I’m considering making an appointment for early next week to have a chat with my surgeon about the pain and prognosis.

So what else have I been up to?

No prizes for guessing.

It’s been a bit of a blur, and my mood has ranged from extremely suicidal to being relatively happy.

My unbalanced state of mind has been driven primarily by my breakup with Tan. I am still obsessed with her and I would have great difficulty in resisting going back to her, if she ever asked me to – even though I know it would be crazy.

So last Sunday, out of the blue, I received an sms from Tan asking if I still wanted to be with her. I replied in the affirmative and went out to the lake where she had gone back to work, to talk to her. She wasn’t friendly – in fact quite aggressive – but after a couple of hours of intermittent conversation she said she would go back to me on her terms which were: She would continue to live with her friends in the rooms behind the bar and come and sleep with me 3 times a week.

In return I would continue to  ‘maintain’ her and she wouldn’t go out with any other customers. She also insisted that I stop drinking.

There was no way I was going to agree to this, (the sleeping arrangements and the abstinence), – in spite of my infatuation, but I continued to negotiate with a sort of lurid fascination. She finally agreed to sleeping 4 days a week with me, and also that I could drink but only in moderation.

Although I agreed to these conditions I wasn’t at all sure I would go along with them as even I could see how ridiculous the situation was. I continued to drink at the bar and ponder the situation and came to the conclusion I had little to lose by going along with it for a while. I had already paid her monthly allowance up front for June so it would cost me nothing to spend a few nights with her trying to repair our relationship.

I went down the road to another bar to have a few drinks with an old friend and later returned to Tan’s bar. She was very distant but did accept a few drinks and I even bought her a meal.

Then about 10 O’clock she dropped her bombshell. She said she would not be going home with me that evening. I asked her why but received no reply. After another hour she disappeared – presumably to bed, but who really knows? I was pretty pissed by now and bemoaned my misfortune to one of Tan’s friends before taking off to get drunk elsewhere.

The next day Tan refused to take my calls or answer my sms’s and a few days later she did eventually tell me that I had spoken bad about her to her friend and we were finished for good. I have not spoken to her since, and I am sure that it is now all over.

I know that it is the best result for both of us and that it would never have worked in the long term. Tan’s aunt, who owns the bar had told me several times that Tan was a good hearted girl but she got bored very quickly and she was very lazy if she didn’t get a regular kick up the arse.

This all proved to be the case. At first, she was so keen to go back to college and then university, yet within two weeks she had given up and returned to work at the bar.

I know it was partly my fault, but it seems clear that she seized the opportunity to back out as she soon realised it was all too hard and she was much happier living with her friends at the bar.

That is why she has played such hard ball and adamantly refused to give me a second chance. Her aunt tried to persuade her for hours and told her that she should try again with me but she wouldn’t. She just can’t accept the responsibility of a long term relationship and just wants have a good time in the bar – she is still a kid.

To those who have accused, me of ‘demonising’ Tan, I apologise. She is not a bad person, and in many ways was very nice and attentive when she was with me. I have already written at length about this. But she was lazy – one of the laziest girls I have ever stayed with and such is my nature that I will never tell  my girls what to do if they don’t wish to do it of their own volition.

She did virtually no house work, left dirty dishes for days, only ever cooked for me twice when her family were around, would never clean the condo, make the bed, or even put dirty dishes in the sink and so on…

It didn’t bother me per se. I was quite happy to do my share, (and hers as well), as it didn’t really amount to much work. It just bothered me that she was lazy and didn’t behave in a way that was in keeping with her culture. The crowning indignity was when she cooked for her friend one day, and was surprised when I asked her if she had cooked anything for me. She said “Oh I didn’t know you wanted to eat with us”! Even her friend seemed embarrassed.

I did do a lot for her and tried very hard to behave well and be good to her. I spent a lot of money on her one way or another; including renting her a motorcycle and paying a lot of money for her college fees, uniforms, books and so on. OK I wasn’t perfect and I did get drunk a number of times and spoke badly to her – but I never abused her, never screwed around and tried to let her have as much freedom as possible to spend time with her friends.

If Tan wanted to finish with me, she could have just told me that it wasn’t working and maybe a little ‘thank you’ for all I did for her. But nothing, not a word – it took days before she would even tell me we were finished.

It was my perceived injustice of the above that eventually led me to sink into a huge depression. For a couple of days I seriously considered ending it all – as I know I am living a totally deluded lifestyle which will forever lead to more misery and despair. And I can’t seem to snap out of it.

So the past few days are a bit of a blur. I have had all sorts of girls from all over the place and I believe it was yesterday that I had assignations with 3 different girls in 3 different places who I had screwed during the previous days. I couldn’t make up my mind which one to take so I found a new one.

Screwing all these women helps to take my mind off Tan and I can feel my obsession slowly weakening and my mood getting progressively better.

I am looking into the possibility of checking into a hospital for a detox. I have two places in mind – one in Chiang Mai and another in Bangkok.

Against all the odds my friend Dave has actually stopped drinking again and sounds very upbeat. This is all due to the support he received from a hospital in Bangkok So I might give it a whirl.

I will only do it if I am sure that I really want to go for it – otherwise it will be a waste of money.

But it might help to break the self destructive cycle I am in.